Let’s just get something straight, right off the bat. By reading this, you, as a human, or a super-advanced future dog, are not going to learn how to actually fly. That’s just impossible. Do you have wings? No. Is your butt a jet pack? It is not. I don’t know what the future holds for super-advanced reading dogs, but I’ll bet ten space ice cream bones, or whatever you’re eating, that a jet pack butt is not included. Why do you want to fly anyway? We all know what happened to Icarus. His FACE melted off when he tried to fly. So just get that idea right out of your cute, furry head! OUT, I say! Sit! Stay!

No, this is how to fly IN an airplane. Not how TO FLY an airplane. You need to go to school for that. And my flying school is not yet accredited. This is simply how to be a good passenger and make the most of your time in the air.

While you’re waiting to board the plane, take note of the people also on your flight. Are there any good-looking ones? Of course there aren’t, that never happens. In fact, everyone looks insane because they’re wearing tiny neck pillows. Are you wearing a neck pillow? Ask yourself, Is it worth me wearing this neck pillow in public, just walking around, pretending like I’m not wearing a neck pillow when I am, in fact, wearing a neck pillow? Ask yourself that question three times, just to be sure that you totally agree with your answer.

When you walk through first class, look each person dead in the eye and mouth “asshole.” If you’re wearing a neck pillow, I’m sorry, but you cannot do this.

When the person next to you tries to strike up a conversation, flirtatiously say, “I’d feel a lot more talkative with a drink in me.” And when they offer to buy you a drink say, “I don’t drink.” Put your head down and cry. If they try to comfort you say, “I could sure use that drink right now.” And they’ll be confused and say, “But I thought you didn’t drink?” That’s when you scream, “You don’t know me!” Guarantee you’ll be left alone after that.

Press your leg against their leg for the rest of the trip. This will maximize your space, and let them know that you aren’t really mad at them.

Then order an alcoholic drink and stare at them as you down it in one gulp, letting tears steadily roll down your cheeks. This will also let them know that you’re not mad, and are in fact sorry for yelling at them.

When you watch television, do not utilize the buttons on your armrest. Change the channel and volume on the actual screen, with short, powerful jabs. That way, you will have more precision in your channel and volume changing, but you will also be providing a free massage to the person in the seat in front of you.

When the plane lands, clap loudly. Everyone loves this.

When you exit your row, make sure to cut in front of at least three people who are waiting to get out from the rows ahead of you. Because they need a good healthy lesson in “you snooze, you lose.” In fact, as you rush past them feel free to say, “you snooze, you lose” but ONLY if you are not wearing a neck pillow. Because if you are, you clearly subscribe to the “you snooze, you win” philosophy. Listen, there’s a reason “you snooze, you win” is not a phrase listed in the Urban Dictionary. It is both false and not rhyming. Just take off the neck pillow.