Ring your figurative thoughtful hands around their neck with kindness.

Take a plastic bag of compassion and suffocate them with kindness.

Bury them alive in a coffin made of understanding with kindness.

Benevolently manufacture an agent of biochemical warfare and mail it in a sealed envelope to a local charity of their choosing with kindness.

Considerately ask them about the whereabouts of their loved ones before dismembering them and mailing the leftovers to said loved ones with kindness.

Tenderly take interest in their favorite Tim Burton movie, altruistically learn how to be the best barber on their block, and do whatever it is they do to make the meat pies in Sweeney Todd with kindness.

Genuinely ask them out of concern about their comorbidities and concomitant medications and then graciously drug them with an enzyme-specific hepatotoxic molecular compound with kindness.

Unselfishly Google “ways to kill people” in incognito mode to write this piece and then defend yourself in court after selflessly turning yourself in — with kindness.