Dear People Who Haven’t Written a Book,

Great news: I wrote a book! The publishing landscape is rapidly evolving, however, and the limited arrangement with my publisher does not include marketing or distribution. So here are a few ways you can help:

1. Buy eleven copies of my book. Buy through my website, through Amazon, at your local independent bookstore, and at Barnes & Noble. If your nearest Barnes & Noble doesn’t carry my book, consider planting two dozen copies on its shelves and then (re-)buying them all. If you don’t live near an independent bookstore, consider opening a bookstand on a busy intersection and screaming “Book!” at passers-by. For each copy of my book you purchase, I’ll send you: A) a handmade watercolor bookmark, B) an email asking you to buy more copies of my book, and C) a package of my favorite dried mango. Just mail me the cost of the dried mango plus shipping and handling.

2. Tell the world how much you love my book. Post about my book on Facebook and Instagram. Tweet about my book with the hashtag #holyfuckingshitwhatabook. Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper about my book. Spray-paint graffiti about my book in public restrooms. Go to the nearest desert, spell out the title of my book with boulders, rent a helicopter and take aerial photos of the title, post the photographs on your website, and try to get them reposted on HuffPost, Boing Boing, and Reddit.

3. Review my book. Write multiple five-star reviews, using aliases, on Amazon and Goodreads. Then review my book in your neighborhood newsletter, your local paper, and the New York Times. If you’re not a regular contributor to the New York Times, gain whatever credentials it takes to become one, then review my book for the New York Times. If you read a negative review of my book, initiate an online smear campaign against the reviewer, perhaps accusing him or her of marital infidelity, white-collar crimes, or homicide. This will draw media attention to my book.

4. Come to one or more of my readings. My book tour is still a work in progress, but I’m finalizing a deal with a Spokane Pizza Hut to read from my book sometime next weekend in the alley behind their building (the one on West 3rd). Look for me next to the medium-sized dumpster. Free scraps of discarded P’ZONE® crusts to the first fifteen audience members! You may also find me reading aloud from my book in abandoned lots, in strip malls, and outside minor league sporting events. Stay tuned!

5. Nominate my book to be your next book club book. If you don’t belong to a book club, start one! Suggest to your fellow members that you read my book each month. If they object, explain to them that it doesn’t matter what book you read, since you’re going to end up talking about other things anyway. What’s important is that each member buy my book each month. You don’t even have to meet. Just start a club in which each member is required to buy my book once a month.

6. Translate my book into a foreign language. If you don’t know a foreign language, learn one, then translate my book into it. Chinese is the best, but Indian, I’ve heard, is easier. Is Indian the name of the language people speak in India? If yes, learn it; if not, learn the real one, instead. Translate my book into it.

7. Print my book. I forgot to mention my publisher’s arrangement doesn’t include printing, so please print out several copies of the attached manuscript and bind the pages using string or staples. If in a bind (ha!), use the bleached pages of other books.

8. Edit my book. My publisher’s arrangement doesn’t include editing, either, so please note any typos or editorial suggestions in the margins, using blue or black ink, preferably.

9. Forward this email to everyone you know. If each person who receives this email follows these nine simple steps, I will become rich and famous. Thank you for your support!

The Author