As an aspiring politician who loves this country and greatly admires our Founding Fathers, I cannot help but point out the areas where they were a product of their time. Great men though they were, they simply did not have the foresight to envision a future where not everyone would possess the skill that Baby Boomers correctly recognize as humanity’s greatest achievement: the ability to write in cursive.
The current state of America correlates directly with the pedagogical state of cursive instruction in our primary schools, which explains, in no small part, why we so consistently fail to live up to our nation’s highest ideals. Thus, it is a shame that my fellow 9-year-old compatriots prefer the epicurean delights of Minecraft to the abiding satisfaction of handmade script, and a double-shame that Article II, Section 3 of the Constitution forbids me from running for president until the year 2048.
From the ostentatious penmanship of John Hancock to the humble script of John Morton, our nation’s founders knew that the ability to write in cursive is the only thing that prevents a democratic republic “of the People, by the People, for the People” from backsliding into despotic tyranny. Today, the flame of freedom is kept alight by Boomers, who never shall let the standard of liberty fall, so long as they continue to comment on Facebook about the deplorable state of penmanship, especially compared to when they attended public schools.
It is the impassioned pleas from True Patriots like Dianne T., 64, of Osceola, Florida, who writes, “I don’t know what they’re teaching if they’re not making kids learn cursive.” Or Greg M., 71, of St. Cloud, Minnesota, who stands athwart the threshold of anarchy when he proclaims, “Instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on Critical Race Theory, they should teach cursive.” Or any of the countless number of humble stewards of our nation’s ideals who — like the Unknown Soldier — anonymously but bravely make their stand known when they click “like” on that one Facebook post that says, “Should today’s kids learn cursive?”
This is why, starting today, I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States, notwithstanding Constitutional (and legal, financial, logistical, and practical) obstacles that stand in my way. I am confident that if today’s children practiced cursive, penmanship, script, or handwriting, we could solve seemingly insurmountable problems like:
- Trillions of dollars in unfunded liabilities
- Policies resulting in unprecedented wealth disparities
- Politicians rushing headlong into the quagmire of unending wars
I believe this to be true based on the earnest pleas from our nation’s Baby Boomers, who, in addition to spending a substantial portion of their early childhood development practicing writing the upper-case G, later went on to accomplish such feats as:
- Running up trillions of dollars in unfunded liabilities
- Enacting policies resulting in unprecedented wealth disparities
- Electing politicians who rush headlong into the quagmire of unending wars
It has been said that “children are our future,” but let’s not lose sight of the fact that those words were uttered at a time when it was generally understood that a 10-year old could seamlessly blend a lowercase t with an h. If my interactions with Boomers have taught me anything, it’s that cursive is the single most important thing that I could be learning. I suppose the other possibility is that my interactions with Boomers haven’t taught me a single damn thing about anything, but let’s not go there.
I am a 9-year-old boy who writes cursive. The Founding Fathers were wrong to disallow me from running for the Office of President. And I approve this message.