Hello, it is I, and it is we: the collective many, the safeguards of liberal humor. Pillars of the movement, mouthpieces of the resistance. We are here to deliver hard truths and act as purveyors of light in dark times. And, boy oh boy, you wouldn’t believe how wet Mitch McConnell is for Brett Kavanaugh. I mean talk about flooding a basement. Anybody got water wings?

Back to my, and of course our, point. It is essential to call out injustice today. It is imperative to uplift the voices of the marginalized. Speak truth to power. And speaking of power, have you seen this drawing of Trump making out with Putin? It’s hilarious! Fist bump. No really, do you get the nuance? We’re highlighting how ridiculous their relationship is by making it look like they’re gay for each other. I mean, it’s dark times but look at the art we’re creating.

Anyway, back to me, and really, back to we. It is no longer acceptable to simply sit behind our talk show desks or send out scathing tweets. We can’t simply make lazy jokes about sensitive subject matter anymore. Well, sure, yeah, that’s still pretty much what we’re gonna do, but now we’re gonna be edgy. And I mean really edgy. Sarah Huckabee Sanders could totally be a lesbian. I mean she’s super stocky and she’s got a deep voice! That’s a relevant lesbian stereotype, right? Right. And while we’re on the topic of lesbians, Mike Pence could never be one because he definitely likes men!

I’m really crushing this.

Wait, what’s that you’re saying? I’ve built my entire career off pandering to the LGBTQ community while they have relentlessly supported my every career move? They are making reasonable requests to please try and find a different touch point by which to critique the current administration without future disparaging communities that are already under attack? Haha, oh man, I wish I could hear you but I’m too busy working on this meme that implies Jeff Sessions is a closeted tree elf. I mean he’s tiny and totally kisses dudes.

Anyway, don’t critique me or it means you’re siding with Russia. Now go buy tickets to my tour!