For far too long, the streets of Gotham have been plagued by chaos. Crime never sleeps. Thugs hide in the shadows, waiting to strike like snakes. Never mind the capitalist structures that produce deep and devastating forms of poverty, forcing the desperate lower class to resort to crime in order to survive. Gotham is in danger, and it is my duty to beat the living shit out of a man robbing a convenience store to feed his starving family of five.

When I think about the corrupt police force, the unfair distribution of resources, and the broken healthcare system, I start to wonder if this city can be saved. But then I remember it’s not the system’s fault, the real problem is one single crime boss. And sure, it’s easy to blame the problems of the city on an individual rather than the structures that created them, but this is no time to point fingers. Gotham is in trouble, and I have to perform a WWE-style flying tombstone piledriver on a shoplifter trapped in the self-perpetuating cycle of poverty.

The people of Gotham need a benevolent protector. And who better to protect the poverty-stricken working class than me, an eccentric billionaire who inherited his entire fortune? Ignore the fact that it is impossible to accumulate this much wealth without ruthlessly exploiting poor and working-class people. Right now, this city needs hope. They need a hero. They need someone who will work with the police to hunt down and pulverize each and every nonviolent drug offender within an inch of their life.

Sometimes, after a long night of fighting crime, I ask myself if the modes of exploitation were actually designed to keep impoverished families at a severe disadvantage in modern society. But then I remember the message etched on my billionaire father’s grave, ANYONE WHO COMMITS ANY CRIME IS INHERENTLY EVIL, and I know it is my responsibility to discharge military-grade stun batons on any jaywalker who has grown up with the odds stacked against them.

But now, I must go. I must restore order to Gotham. I must stand for something larger than myself. And most of all, I must appeal to the neoliberal fantasy that crime only exists in the form of irrational violence, and it’s happening everywhere in the city, all the time.