Esteemed future colleague, milk and consume the elixir sap from my fingers as I digitally respond to your job listing for a “visionary” conference planner. I send forth the volts of generosity. Gary, allow me to elaborate how your energy cells will be transformed and your team-building pushed to the realm of non-boundary.

Upon arrival, your guests will be bathed by our volunteers in copper receptacles to remove their harmful ions. Parking will be validated. Lanyards will be abandoned and replaced with a ritual scar on the clavicle, applied by our trained specialist, Tina. She must be allowed to work topless and smoking, patriarchy and health codes be damned.

This might be a good time to mention that The Marriott has permanently banned us from all of its properties. We are legally prohibited from mentioning exactly what the goats did to that Courtyard in Akron, but we stand by the increased quarterly KPI metrics produced for the insurance firm we hosted. May Zaxxon continue to bless them and may their animals be fertile.

Step onstage in the floral octagon in Cornfield Meeting Room B and turn on the projector for your opening plenary. That microphone in your hand? Look again — it’s a visibly angry snake! Flick your tongue and hum the ancient chants to comport with his spirit. Remove your Dockers. Bring a DVI to VGA converter if needed for the projector; most sites will charge.

The conference hashtag is in hieroglyphics, and the Wi-Fi password will be revealed by the glowing eagle you’ll encounter while peaking. Don’t ask him about the Rockefeller family or look him directly in the beak. His tongue is made of fifteen glowing snails.

Parking will be validated by the Apache Chief in the lobby, who is actually a Ecuadorian guy named Hector. He plays drums in a Motörhead cover band on the weekends. Conference tote bags will have a printed schedule, a map, a pound of psychedelic mushrooms, and a discount coupon to Chili’s.

Breakout sessions will be held in the Hamilton Room. Makeout sessions will be in the Jefferson Room. Bring your own water-based gels.

Coffee and tea will be provided to all conference attendees. It will, of course, have DMT in it.

Make sure to drop your bean twenty minutes before the closing plenary, which is a dude named Reggie with 400 glow sticks duct-taped to his body. He’ll talk about agile software development. It will be translated live into German and you’ll be too high to notice.

My shaman/career coach notes that it is possible that I might be misreading the word “visionary” in your posting. If so, let me assure you that I am certified in Excel and have knowledge of MailChimp and most CRMs. If not, I am also certified in ayahuasca and the Alexander technique.

References available upon request. Reincarnations available based on karmic vibrations.