Let me say this loud and clear: I am an ally to women. I’m one of the good ones. I have a T-shirt that says “femenist,” I like, really love my mom, and you can ALWAYS find me in the replies of Trump tweets saying stuff like, “With all due respect, sir, you should resign in shame” or “Enough from you, President Covfefe! #RESIST!” There’s no doubt about it — I unabashedly #BelieveWomen. Except in the case of my friend Kevin. That guy is way too cool to be an abuser. We went to summer camp together back in ‘03, and stayed in touch via postcards until the summer of ‘05, so I’d say I know him pretty well — and there’s just no way he could’ve done it.
But back to women. I LOVE women. Honestly, I think women are smarter than men — yeah, I said it! And I’d totally consider voting for a woman president. Something that I’ve learned in my time as an ally is that it’s important to just not talk about it, but be about it. That’s why when I saw a guy wearing a shirt that said “FBI: Female Body Inspector,” I walked up to him and started shouting “SHAME, SHAME, SHAME,” Game of Thrones-style. It was epic! I wouldn’t have been surprised if someone caught it on camera and it went viral. Did anyone catch it? Would love to get a copy of the video, if so. Anyway, I digress — point is, women are great. Love ‘em. Believe ‘em. Except for what they’re saying about my weed guy, Daniel. That guy is so chill. There’s no way he did anything wrong. My conscience would not allow me to keep buying from a guy who’s an abuser, and getting another hookup would be such a pain in the ass (this guy already has my address and everything), so. No way. Daniel’s one of the good ones.
No, but seriously, back to women. They are so great. They can be anything: mothers, daughters, secretaries, whatever — I think that’s so cool. I’m a big advocate for making sure opportunities are made available to women, which is why when my boss at the advertising firm — where I got a job by drinking a beer with another man who worked there — asked if I had anyone to recommend for an unpaid internship, at least a fourth of the names that I gave him were women or men who are allies to women (like me!). It’s just one of the small ways I like to try and give back to such an incredible community of goddesses. It’s so important to create a workplace culture of believing women. And I’m proud to say that my workplace is centered around this idea. We have an absolute zero-tolerance policy for sexual harassment. But like, you should be able to hang with the boys. Over at Big Dogs Advertising, we take a lot of inspiration from Mad Men — Jon Hamm was GOALS in that show — so like, don’t be too sensitive, okay? Creative genius like the viral campaign featuring Sonic the Hedgehog screaming “dicks out for Harambe” can’t exist if men are afraid of being creatively restricted by overly-sensitive women. BUT I LOVE WOMEN, AND I BELIEVE THEM. And I would absolutely stand behind any woman in our office if she came forward with accusations about any man in our office. Except for the woman who came out against my boss. Pretty sure he did actually do it, but, you know — I’m tryna get that promotion.
Bottom line, I am as much of a male feminist as they come, and #BelievingWomen is like a drug for me. I’m addicted to believing women. If you’re reading this, just know that you can always confide in me. I am a human safe space, and I will always be there for you, believing you, 100% of the time, no questions asked.*
*Unless the allegations are against: one of my friends, one of my family members, a Supreme Court nominee, a comedian who’s known for making a ton of hilarious dick jokes, a musician in one of my favorite bands, a guy I only kinda know but who always seemed cool as hell, a dude I knew back in elementary school, anyone who could possibly advance my career in any way whatsoever, any artist I don’t know personally but admire from afar, or me. I’m one of the good ones.