Dear Guy Who Can’t Read The Room:

Hello and thank you for attempting to engage in an unsolicited conversation with me! In order to ensure our interaction is productive and enriching for both parties, I invite you to join my Matreon. For just a few dollars a month, you can continue to approach me with whatever the hell is on your mind regardless of context or appropriateness, and I will continue to do the emotional labor required to respond without calling you a privileged, myopic dipshit.

Since you’re obviously the most important person in the universe and everything should cater to your needs, I’ve created a number of exciting options that you can take advantage of. You know, like you take advantage of the way that women are culturally trained to be sweet and helpful when you fart words in their direction.

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$5 Per Month: Social Media

I will actually read the garbage you tweet at me instead of calling you an asshole and blocking you. This Matreon reward covers everything from rude gifs and misspelled insults to condescending multi-paragraph screeds explaining why I am incorrect about my own lived experiences and interactions with the world. I will not respond but I will click the “like” button, confirming that your very relevant thoughts were read and considered by me, the stranger who you chose to bless with your written effluvia.

$15 Per Month: Social Media Plus

If just knowing I read your electronic drool strings isn’t enough for you, consider upgrading to Social Media Plus. I will reply to your tweets and comments with whatever response I think you were hoping for when your idiot thumb greased up your iPhone. Sample replies include: “Wow, I never thought of it that way!”, “Boy, you sure know a lot about women, thanks for educating me.”, and “I will go on a diet straight away, you absolute fucking hero!”

$50 Per Month: Debate Club

I will commit to one extended Twitter conversation or Skype call to affirm any ill-considered, uninformed, and/or misogynistic take you have on a social issue or current event. You don’t think the wage gap is real because your administrative assistant got to use three weeks of unpaid maternity leave in order to recover from literally creating life and pushing it out of her body? Tell me all about it, and I will tell you that you are right. High five on that sweet insight, bro!

$1,000 Per Month: Rape Chat

Let’s talk about rape and sexual assault, and specifically how it is not your fault. You can tell me how men’s lives are ruined, as if the vast majority of men who were caught in the first #MeToo wave aren’t already launching their comebacks. You can hold firm on the idea that women make false accusations for attention, as if doxxing and death threats were a rare and exciting treat. We can even debate the minutiae of what actually counts as sexual assault. Were they in a relationship already? Were they intoxicated? Was the no stated non-verbally, too softly, or too ambiguously?

I know, we definitely aren’t talking about you. You’d never rape anybody.

This might seem like a lot of money, but as a sexual assault victim, I feel entitled to charge a premium fee based on my expertise. Oh, you don’t want to talk to me now? Maybe you should consider that before initiating these conversations with women in the future. One in five women can’t be wrong — but we can be raped!

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Some people have objected to Matreon, on the grounds that it’s exploitative to charge men for having conversations. I appreciate this viewpoint, but please consider the effort and material costs required to make these transactions occur. Demand is higher than ever these days, and between therapy, ice cream, and booze, my overhead is through the roof.

Also, these are not actual conversations. Nothing I say or think matters in these interactions, because I do not matter to you. You need to work out your anxieties and aggression, and you’re used to your punching bags being lady-shaped, so as soon as you saw me you started swinging. You don’t need a conversation. You need a woman to reassure you that you’re right, that your opinions are well-considered, and that you are valid and important and just.

I can do that for you. But I am no longer doing it for free.

Fuck you. Pay me. And thank you for using Matreon!