My venture capital firm invests in companies that are disrupting established industries, but what hasn’t changed is how much we care about worker well-being. It’s a humbling sacrifice to let you, dear worker, get a leg up in this world through a plethora of side hustles.

That’s why you should become a rideshare driver for our chief investment company! All you’ll need is residence in a popular city with a party scene, a smartphone with a great data plan, a car with four doors, many a tank of gas, car insurance, health insurance, and self-employment tax software.

Don’t worry, we don’t make you get fingerprinted — what a pain in the ass startup cost! — that would be totally uncool and all regulatory of us. We’re cool guys — our firm’s office has ping pong, foosball, and those impractical hanging egg chairs, all for our full-time employees to enjoy. We don’t cop to those old school, bummer “rules" — you know, those ones they created after labor strikes? That’s SO one hundred years ago.

We’re changing work culture to be more flexible for you — you don’t want that 9-to-5 BS or retirement contributions! You’re blazing your own path. You’re an iconoclast. We’ll free you from the hassles of answering to or complaining to HR, and save you from the burden of using 20 paid vacation and sick days. Losers get the flu; you don’t.

No car? No problem! We’ll lease you one at the absolute steal of a 300% markup. That won’t eat into your profit, either. We take it straight from your paycheck, so it’s just an additional operating cost. And we put that moola right back into our worker development program: testing our self-driving cars.

But hey, we get it: rent is expensive. We’ve got your back with a primo tip: skip the lunch break and walk dogs for our amigos at Wag — where we own a ten percent stake — and you’ll make barkin’ bank. Hopscotch across town to pick up Banjo the collie, Panther the doberman, and Lupe, the labradoodle — all free-range dogs unspoiled by basic obedience training. And boom! Now you’ve broken even.

But the gig economy offers so many opportunities for passive income and we don’t want you to miss out! Here’s a lifehack: get ahead by renting out your home six nights a week through our other investi-buddies at AirBnB. All you’ll need is a gorgeous home with a mid-century modern aesthetic (I’ll sell you a discounted egg chair!), Instagrammable natural light, a fantastic location in a trendy district, and impeccable local recs of aspirational ristoranti. You won’t need a place to stay — losers get sleep deprivation; you don’t.

Then you can spend your nights making more Benjamins as an on-call housekeeper or nanny through our domestic workers’ service, Cleanr. You’ll need loads of last-minute availability, internet access, natural cleaning supplies, and a digital media strategist so you don’t make the boo-boo of uploading an icky profile picture. While you’re there, earn some dough for marketing materials by using our newest venture, Task Rabbit, to put together that stranger’s Ikea bed, the Snefjord!

Take your unpaid vacation whenever you want — no one’s the boss of you! Save up by making some extra cha-ching with a side hustle as a shopper for Instacart (no financial claim here — we just bros!) and get rich purchasing other people’s groceries.

So now you’re set driving for Uber, walking dogs between rides, renting out your place, cleaning other people’s houses, and doing their basic life maintenance. But you’ll probs still need some dough for that health insurance. Luckily, I own a stake in a company that’ll set you up as a cam girl. All you’ll need there is a computer and the exciting possibility of being doxxed. Losers get harassed online; you don’t.

It makes me so happy to help. Think of me as a modern Andrew Carnegie or Andrew Mellon. The true philanth-robber-barons of their day. I care deeply about worker well-being, and that’s why it’d be baller if you signed this agreement prohibiting discussion of collective action or pesky unions. You ain’t no union guppie; you’re a shark (in the sense that sharks never stop swimming).