Whenever a potential buyer for one of my prized French Bulldogs approaches me, I give them my standard sales pitch and set of warnings. French Bulldogs are docile, but lazy. They’re incredibly loving, but also needy. They make good apartment dogs, but are sensitive to hot and cold weather — basically anything other than room temperature. Most importantly, they suffer from numerous health problems because they were specifically bred to be an unnatural affront to God, which He is powerless to smite because He is dead.
Come on down to our quaint farm and play with our adorable litters of Frenchie puppies. We have acres of land the Bulldogs can’t hope to explore since they get tuckered out so fast. French Bulldogs love romping and frolicking in short bursts of energy, but be careful to limit their physical exertions so they don’t get injured. I feel obligated to warn potential buyers that a common disease with the French Bulldog breed is something called “Intervertebral Disc Disease,” which causes their spines to spontaneously self-destruct. What kind of God would allow such a feeble creature to exist? The deceased kind. I like to think of our little breeding company, the Jowls of Hell, as less of a place where we raise cute puppies and more of a laboratory dedicated to the study of our long-dead God.
The French Bulldog was created by British ex-pats in France who desired a smaller lap-dog alternative to the classic Bulldog, They bred English Bulldogs, which have plenty of health problems of their own, with small Parisian ratter terriers. The result was a good-natured and adorable creature that would immediately die without our constant care and attention. Frenchies are thoroughly slothful beasts completely dependent on humans for everything, including birth, which can only be done through cesarean section, because they should not be alive. The original French Bulldog breeders did not set out to prove anything. They simply loved slobbery little pooches, loathed our creator, and wished to spit in His face by creating a precious abomination that mocked everything He created. It is us modern breeders that slowly came to understand that our efforts to offend God were meaningless since He is no longer alive and thus cannot be offended.
There is no other breed quite like the French Bulldog with those droopy jowls, gentle disposition, and big bat ears. Be forewarned though, they are also remarkably stubborn and will often not follow your instructions. But it’s impossible to stay mad at a Frenchie when they look up at you with those big loving eyes. Yes, stare into those dark eyes long enough, and you will see nothing but a godless abyss. Be comforted by the fact there is no tyrannical deity whose capricious whims we must serve. We are the Gods now. We have supplanted Him as Creator. Gaze upon what we have made: towering skyscrapers, complex societies, artificial limbs and organs, small gargoyle-like creatures we mockingly call “dogs” that insist on sleeping in our beds, farting and snoring through the night.
A great thing about French Bulldogs is that they do not shed much. Another perk is the certainty that God is no more. For centuries, man struggled to prove or disprove the existence of God. Philosophers failed to conclude anything further than their own existence. Theologians cling feebly to ancient texts that prove nothing. Atheists have long been satisfied with their own conclusive smugness. Not even scientists with their rigorous testing and studies could prove or disprove much. No, it was up to dog breeders to create something so twisted and unnatural that God would have no choice but to strike it down. And yet Frenchies not only remain unstricken down, they thrive. Why would that be if He were not dead and gone?
My family has bred and sold Frenchies for generations. Thanks to us, they have permeated every corner of American culture, from dog shows to television and movies. The French Bulldog on Modern Family? That was one of ours. All those Frenchies you see in commercials for dog food they can’t eat because of their sensitive stomachs? Those are ours too. And my family will continue to breed these monstrosities for generations to come because there is no force on Heaven or Earth that can stop us. So if you want a glutinous little snuggle monster, if you desire a faithful farty companion, or if you just want to bask in the absence of our Lord, our French Bulldogs are the “dog” for you.