Jesus Christ, top of the morning man, I’m wiped. Thanks for picking me up. I don’t do this too often y’know, hitchhiking. People usually don’t stop for me anyways. God, could you turn up the AC?
People don’t stop cuz they don’t see me, I figure. Y’know, cuz I’m short. You could probably tell, but I’m a Leprechaun. Creature of Celtic mythos, yeah. That actually brings me to my second point. So like I can’t pay you now, but I know where this pot of gold is and I could pretty much lead you to it. It’s with my buddy Craig in Denver. I just need a ride there and I could totally get you some of the gold. Damn, I am wiped. Do you mind if I put my little black hat with a gold buckle up on your dash? Thanks, man.
You don’t talk much do you? I can tell. Leprechauns are perceptive like that, y’know. We listen to people and if they are super quiet, we’re like, “OK, this guy is quiet.” I don’t really mind though, man, cuz I can tell you are just focusing on the road. I’ll just tell you about myself.
Well, I’m 6.5 inches tall. That’s pretty much above average height for us. My hometown is a patch of mushrooms growing around the corpse of a traveling fiddle player who got stuck in a peat bog a bit outside of Killarney. Came to the States after I was captured to be eaten at an exotic meat luncheon hosted by the first Bush administration. H.W. was just about to put a fork through my neck, then Jeb started choking on some yeti so I dashed during the panic. Since then, I’ve been bumming around here on the East Coast. This ride is my ticket out. Craig has a dope set-up in Denver. He says the girls there are pretty short too. Says the higher altitude inhibits bone growth.
The open road, man. Sexy. It’s sexy, right? I don’t know. You ever pick up chicks in this thing? Do chicks hitchhike? I knew this sprite back in Ireland, textbook pixie, wings, the whole thing. She used to sit on the backs of sheep and ride them around for hours. God, that was really boring to watch.
Oh, damn, my phone is ringing. I know you have your eyes on the road, but I figure I should tell you that I don’t have, like, a small Leprechaun-sized phone. It’s a regular phone that’s comically large compared to me. Like, if you were looking at me fumble with it and shit, you would laugh. Damn, it’s my wife.
Hey Babe! Top of the morning!… No, I know it’s past midnight, technically morning — haha… I know…. yeah…. yeah… y’know I’m just out pretty much just doing mischief… yes, just kind of being mischievous, as we are wont to do… OK… I know… I’m just tricking some drunkards into kissing stray dogs
She has no clue where I am.
Yep, no I hear you… yeah… OK, well don’t be worried… I’ll be back in a few hours… alright… love you to the bog and back… great, bye.
Oh, come on don’t look at me like that man. I can’t be cooped up forever. Here look at this. What… what is that in your ear? Heyo! A gold coin! You must be a lucky guy! No wait. Don’t take that. It’s covered in lead paint.
Do you hear that? Sirens? Ah, shit. Don’t look now but we’re being chased. Damn, I thought I lost them. This ambulance has been after me all night. They must have seen me hop in your car. Shit. It’s a revenge mission. I was replacing the hospital IV bags with Guinness. All Leprechauns are contracted with Guinness & Co. They give us a stipend and we pretty much just do product placement and help them break up union uprisings when necessary. I could get you a discount. These EMTs drive fast, they are right on your ass. Did I mention I was also drinking some of the patient’s blood? Yeah, that’s a normal leprechaun thing, to drink people’s blood. Guinness asks us to keep it on the down low.
Yikes, man, I’m screwed. So much for Denver. Jesus. Thanks for the lift anyways. Here are some loose bugs that I keep in my pocket. Sorry I couldn’t get you to the gold. Yeah. Could you just kind of roll down the window and toss me out? Yeah? Awesome. Sláinte.