A Short History of the Norse (and Irish) Settlement of Iceland for Bostonians

Art by Matt Smith

So this one day, Raven-Floki woke up at home in fuckin’ Nahway n’ he was like, “Shit, I need tah go n’ find that new island that that Gardar guy was talkin’ ’bout ’cause it sounds fuckin’ sweet!” N’ this is on accoun’ah the fact that Gardar’d been blowin’ smoke up evuhryone’s ass ‘bout this damn island. Like, he just couldn’t stop talkin’ ’bout how it’s covah’d in shit-tons’ah top quality lumbah r’n wicked good fahmin’ land too. N’ yah know how Nahwegians ahr, they really get off on tree wood n’ fehrtile fuckin’ soil n’ shit.

But the thing with Gardar is he only went n’ found it aftah r’is mom told him to since she was a fuckin’ witch, which makes sense since they were from Sweden. N’ back in those days you had tah be a real dumbass not tah do what your Swedish witch mom tells yah tah do. N’ no one knows how she found out ‘bout this island. Like, yah know, whethah she just fuckin’ claih’rvoyanted her mind out intah the middle’ah fuckin’ nowhere fahr fun, ah whethah she’d heahrd the rumahs that this othah guy with some wicked wee-ihd fuckin’ name already’d found it since he was a shit sailah r’n got blown way off fuckin’ couhrse ah whatevah. But that’s all besides the point ‘cause the point is that Gardar went n’ he fuckin’ found it n’ then he went home n’ he stahted talkin’ it up like he was runnin’ fahr fuckin’ office.

N’ so like most people, Raven-Floki just believed whatevah he wanted tah believe, n’ so he sailed off in seahrch’ah Gardar’s Island, since that’s what Gardar’d named it since he was a fuckin’ snob. N’ Raven-Floki, he took his ravens with him too, since ravens were kindah his thing, n’ his whole plan was tah let ’em loose so that they’d go n’ they’d fly towahds Gardar’s Island when they got close ’nough. So he did that n’ then he n’ his buddies found the place n’ they exploh’d it fah r’awhile but it was mostly fuckin’ freezin’ n’ inhospitable n’ their animals all fuckin’ died n’ then one’ah Raven-Floki’s friends even got lost fah r’awhile n’ all in all it was just a total fuckin’ shitshow. So aftah r’a couple’ah yee’ahs’ah fuckin’ misahry, they decided tah go back tah Nahway n’ Raven-Floki decided Gardar’s Island was a shit name fahr the place n’ so he stahted callin’ it Iceland instead.

N’ bein’ as Raven-Floki took a page from Larry Bird’s playbook, he stahted trash-talkin’ Iceland all up n’ down the fuckin’ couhrt as soon as he got back home. N’ the crazy thing is there were actually a couple’ah guys who thought it sounded alright since they’d wound up on the wrong side’ah some classic Nahwegian blood feud. So aftah some roamin’ ’round n’ gettin’ in touch with their innah viking selves by enslavin’ a bunch’ah people in Ireland, these two guys, Hjorleif n’ Ingolf, they decided tah go off n’ sail tah Iceland n’ live there pehrmanently.

Now, Ingolf, he was all supahstitious n’ so natuhr’ly he went n’ he chucked some pieces’ah his favuhrite fuckin’ chair intah the ocean n’ then he declaih’d, “I will settle wherevah those damn things wash up.” But ovah r’on the othah boat, Hjorleif was just kindah like, “Yeah, whatevah man, I’m runnin’ outtah watah r’ovah hee’ah so I’m just goin’ wherevah looks good.” N’ the thing with Hjorleif was he was the one who really liked Irish slaves the most, so his boat was fuckin’ full’ah ’em, n’ aftah they got tah land, the slaves all ganged up on him n’ murdah’d his ass n’ then they took the boat n’ they stahted livin’ off the southwest coast’ah Iceland on the Westman Islands which ahr named aftah r’em since Ireland is west’ah Nahway.

N’ all the while, Ingolf’s hangin’ out somewhere else, lookin’ fahr his fuckin’ chair pieces n’ he’s got his own slaves out helpin’ n’ then they somehow happen tah find out what happened tah Hjorleif n’ so then they all go back n’ they repohrt it tah Ingolf. N’ no one knows why they did this! I mean, they’re fuckin’ slaves, right, so why ahr they runnin’ back tah their ownah r’instead’ah goin’ intah the fuckin’ Icelandic undahground railroad ah whatevah? I mean, the elves pry had all sohrts’ah fuckin’ awesome hidin’ places tah hide Irish slaves away in their fuckin’ rocks ah whatevah back in those days. Just who the fuck knows, yah know?

But anyway, this news really pisses Ingolf off, so he hunts down Hjorleif’s slaves n’ then he prahceeds tah just fuckin’ murdah the shit outtah ‘em n’ then he goes n’ finds his chair pieces which had washed up where Reykjavik is now, n’ so he builds his settlement there. So that’s how Reykjavik got it’s glahrious fuckin’ staht.

N’ it didn’t stop there eithah, ’cause mohr n’ mohr n’ mohr Nahwegians stahted goin’ on ovah tah Iceland since there was a ton’ah free fuckin’ land fahr the takin’. N’ tah be honest, it didn’t help that Harald Fairhair was actin’ like a total fuckin’ prick back in Nahway eithah, since that scared away all the bastahds who were on the losin’ side’ah some battles n’ shit. So pretty soon Iceland got totally fuckin’ ovahrun by Nahwegians n’ by then the abahriginal solitahry Irish priests who might have ah might not have been there fihrst were long fuckin’ gone.

But the thing is, the Nahwegians kept on stoppin’ off in Ireland n’ even Scotland sometimes too on the way to tah Iceland tah get slaves tah take with ’em. N’ they mostly took female slaves as these were basic’ly just a bunch’ah hohrny ancient mahrinah losahs with no prospects back home that we’re talkin’ ’bout hee’ah, n’ nowadays Icelandic women’s DNA is still mohr Celtic ’en Nohrdic if yah can believe that shit. But fuckin’ whatevah. I need anothah Smiticks.