Ever since I eliminated alcohol, fat, gluten, GMOs, meat, sugar, artificial coloring, dairy, salt, oils, and pumpkin spice from my diet, I’ve been a completely different person. In fact, some people wonder if I’m even human anymore. I can’t really blame them. Just a few months ago, I barely had the energy to get out of bed, but these days, I always levitate into work at least seven minutes early.
My journey wasn’t easy, but what self-improvement regime is? There were some serious lifestyle changes right from the start, like rethinking what I consider a main dish and creating a vitamin regime to cover missing nutrients. I was understandably cranky for a while, which led to a couple of “episodes” before I accepted that while my dietary restrictions are essential to who I am, they can be difficult for others. I fully admit I should have found the self-control to accept those waiters’ mistakes and gently correct them rather than smite the insubordinates in outsize fits of divine rage.
There were times when I considered giving up and settling for a less restrictive diet, but once I started reaping the benefits, it became much easier to keep on keeping on. My acne cleared up, my sleep was more restful, I grew an extra seven feet, and my voice became deafening to nearby listeners. I used to be this meek little guy who was “forgotten” when my coworkers planned outings, but now my healthy aura, which shines with the intensity of 1,000 suns, makes them incapable of ignoring my presence.
Would I call the overall experience fun? The admittedly limited variety of food I can eat forces me to say no, with the caveat that seeing the gossamer threads underlying space-time helped me understand that “fun” is an illusion anyway. Who cares about that when you have the best body of your life, the energy of a nine-year-old on a Pixy Stix binge, and the wisdom to recognize that all we do is scurry about this cosmic coincidence like confused ants, ultimately achieving naught?
All things considered, I’d rate the alcohol, fat, gluten, GMO, meat, sugar, artificial coloring, dairy, salt, oil, and pumpkin spice-free diet a success. There are definitely downsides—like how I can no longer have sex without the orgasm disintegrating my partner in a flash of ecstasy and light—but overall, I’ve never felt healthier or more capable of rearranging matter to satisfy my whims.
I think the big secret is how the scheduled cheat days mean I always have something awesome on the horizon. Even the most remote, ennui-ruined deity can’t resist the occasional Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino, especially after he reconfigured reality to make those a year-round thing.