1. Skip lunch. Eating lunch is difficult with two fourteen pound bowling balls attached to your wrists. So why bother? Place your bowling balls in your lap and think about beets. You will consume zero calories, and the bowling balls will compress your thigh muscles into something resembling a chicken wing. MAXIMUM WEIGHT LOSS. MAXIMUM THIGH GAP.

2. Go for a run. Nothing helps you shed those last twenty eight pounds faster than a good cardio workout. Nothing, of course, besides surgery to replace your bowling balls with human hands. That works, too.

3. Remove your liver. Replace it with feathers.

4. Drink protein shakes. Drink them with a silly straw, because, you know, you don’t have hands.

5. Buy a new scale. Smash it with your bowling balls and have your care provider/bowling ball spotter write the number ten (10) on a piece of paper. Stand on that. CONGRATS, YOU WEIGH TEN POUNDS. YOU WEIGH LESS THAN THE SUM OF YOUR BOWLING BALL PARTS. YOU ARE LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE.

6. Go bowling. You have the hands for it! Plus, what a workout! People will ask questions, though, so come prepared. Answers like, “I have no hands” and “I brought my own balls—I’m attached to them” should do the trick.

7. Remove your head. Replace it with a hollow egg.

8. Don’t eat after 8 pm. Don’t eat before 8 pm either. Instead, drill holes into your bowling balls. You want dramatic results? THIS IS IT, BABY. Fifty holes gets you happiness!

9. Get more sleep. If you sleep at least fourteen hours a night and then cut off your ankles, you WILL lose weight. Guaranteed.

10. Smash your shins with your bowling balls. Replace them with thin, thin grains of wheat.