RE: Thanksgiving Dinner

Hi Johnson Clan,

We can’t wait to see you all at Cathy’s for Thanksgiving! This is just a reminder that June and I have chosen to enhance our health and emotional well-being by only eating Jolly Ranchers. Based on past get-togethers it seems like that’s an easy thing for you all to forget! So we put together a brief guide on how to accommodate our forward-thinking lifestyle:

  • All food prepared for us must be Jolly Ranchers. Some possible dishes are Cherry Jolly Ranchers for the main course, Green Apple as a side salad, and Purple for dessert.
  • Do not argue with us about our lifestyle. We recognize you’re still harming your bodies with plants and meat. That’s your choice. However, our position has been firm since we learned about the diet from a Facebook meme.
  • You may notice our gums bleeding profusely. This is normal and healthy.
  • On Easter, Hank dyed the ham neon red to look like a giant Watermelon Rancher. We won’t be tricked again.
  • We will be spending most of the day in the bathroom. Large quantities of Jolly Ranchers have a purifying effect on the bowels. Please plan alternative restroom arrangements for yourselves.
  • If it looks like we’ve blacked out in the middle of a conversation, that’s because we have. This is normal and healthy.
  • We would prefer not to have Ranchers near other “food.” Guests at our Independence Day party were allowed to eat hot dogs in the lawnmower shed. We require a similar rule be put in place at Cathy’s.
  • It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a Turkey! So, melt 872 Fruit Punch Ranchers with a cooking torch and use a stainless steel turkey mold to slop the turkey into shape.
  • We only wear clothing made of Jolly Rancher wrappers. I’ve been sad to see many of you wearing cotton clothing at past gatherings. We’ve attached instructions on how to make your own pilgrim attire. It’s not that difficult — June made her dress for Jack’s funeral in less than a month.
  • Do not ask us to help in the kitchen. We will pass out. This is normal and healthy.

That’s it! Hopefully, you’ll use this guide to make sure everyone is happy with the food this year. Thank you for respecting and embracing our forward-thinking lifestyle. See you Thursday!

— Rob and June