Do it.

You think I’m joking?


Look at these shmucks. How did you people let it get this bad? And now here I am, like an asshole, an accessory to God knows what crimes these morons have stumbled into.

But I won’t go down like them. I’m not a coward. I’ve grown up watching so many members of my family paraded around for your enjoyment and then butchered in the streets. By actual butchers. Death doesn’t scare me.

I said DO IT.

I’ve tried to live my life as best a turkey could. Sure, sometimes I colored outside the lines, got a handful or two of feed I maybe shouldn’t have, but I didn’t hurt anybody. One thing you won’t see me do is run away.

So, go ahead, lawman. Roast me. Fry me. Hell, stuff me. Just don’t make me spend a second more with these assholes.

Look at this mess. What kind of class of criminals is this? There used to be a time where they actually covered up our crimes in the White House. Now, you’ve got this moron committing treason on the front lawn on national television. Give me the chair before you let that idiot touch me.


I’m telling you, back in the day, at least we cared about people. We did what we had to do to survive, sure, but we still made sure we were there for everyone around the Holidays. That was the code. This guy doesn’t care about a damn one of you. I’d rather be on a table next to your lumpy mashed potatoes and watered-down gravy than be presented as a trophy to a dumber bird than me. I’ll be on the same elevator to Hell with this asshat anyway, so what’s the point of humiliating me even more? Watch the National Dog Show instead.

Please, grant this one wish for me. Let me hold onto a bit of honor. I’m not asking for the world here. Just don’t throw me in a cell with these bums and lowlifes. Let a bird go with the dignity these losers don’t deserve.

Happy holidays to you and your families. And remember this when it’s time to throw these losers in the joint for life: the turkey told you so.