Hey guys, it’s Jill or Jackie, I can’t remember. I’m just trying to be ME. I went on The Bachelor and I can honestly say that I did go on the show. I am 23, my job is to be a single perfect curl of hair, my hometown is small, my truth is love. Daddy’s girl!! Due to some unforeseen (rude) editing and truly erratic behavior on my part, I got literally no camera time. But I gained a lifetime of memories! I was asked to leave on the first night for purposefully feeding Brittany R. a whole bunch of strawberries while she was explicitly shouting at me that she was allergic. But it was one of the most experiential experiences of my life!

When I first started this journey experience, I really did NOT think that I would have the experience that I did, but I DID not. Honesty and family are the most important journeys. And as I always say, I will NOT compromise on my family, OR my honesty. Now that I’m here at the after-rose, I just wanted to say a few things because I really did learn a lot from this AMAZING sex house.

To Nick, the love of my life, I just wanted to ask you  — what went wrong? I just really felt that we met, and spoke, but I was later told that such never happened. WTF? I could have sworn we talked about Black Mirror while in a hot tub of rose petals on a helicopter tour of Croatia (the BEST place in the world to fall in LOVE). It was an amazing journey that I thought I had been so happy to have shared with you. Also in the spirit of true love and honesty, I have never seen Black Mirror but sometimes I pretend like I did so I can say things like, “It’s just scary because like, these things could really happen! Ah!” Nick, I’m still single. Are you? I would be open to a threesome if you have a wife now.

To Veronica S., my greatest enemy. I want to apologize to you, for the direct reason that I would like you to apologize to me, out of guilt that I publicly apologized to you, because I really am a good person! Aren’t you? Most of you know me as the girl who successfully framed Veronica S. for murdering Brittany R. with a lethal amount of strawberries. However, many of you may not know that I also studied abroad in Africa and helped build wells for orphans to live in. I will now listen to your apology, Brittany.

And lastly, to Chris Harrison, my confidant, my father figure, and my actual father, thank you for letting me come on the show. I will happily come back next season because the dental hygienist’s office keeps telling me to leave because I do not really work there. Can the next Bachelor be named Logan? I know a guy named Logan that I am currently catfishing and I feel like this would be a fun way for us to meet. Don’t FUCK with me, dad.

Everyone, thank you for having me on the most explosive television dramatic event in Bachelor AND American history. This journey has honestly been an experience, and I DON’T regret this experience OR this journey. I was always such a skeptic before, and now, I am a dental hygienist. And remember, everyone deserves love and everyone deserves an Instagram partnership with Wanda’s Waist Trainer Emporium!!! #ad

I think my name might actually be Jessica.