I will present you with a beautiful, silk-wrapped gift. It may be a tasty treat, the corpse of a competitor, a twig, or — psych! — nothing at all. While you unwrap it, I’ll mate with you, hopefully finishing before you realize it’s the last option.
I know you ladies are in the mood only 8-12 hours a year, so I won’t waste your time. I’ll climb up a tree, about 7 feet above you, and drench you with urine. If you appreciate that, we’ll mate. If you don’t, I’m in major trouble.
As soon as we’re done making love, my balls will literally explode, killing me instantly. But my exploded genitalia will block the tunnel for any competitor males. Winning!
I will sink my teeth into you, attach myself to you permanently, and live as a parasite on your body. I will eventually become absorbed into you, with only a pair of gonads remaining to remember the good times. You can use those ‘nads whenever you feel like making babies. You’re welcome!
I can poo and pee at the same time! But wait, there’s more! Using a combination of my spinning tail and the most powerful farts on earth, I will helicopter-spray my Winner’s Blend far and wide. If you like what you see, just shower me with your dung!
I shall perform a dance that I inherited from my father, and his father before him. It’s a really cool, showy dance. Daddy has been training me for it my entire life!
My trusty wingman is my detachable penis, which I’ll float your way to say what’s up and then impregnate you. Don’t spazz; he’s a great guy.
I will tap your body to make sure that you are indeed a female of my species. I will then sing you my courtship song. If you reject me, it will take me a looooong time to recover. I’m sensitive!! I will eventually look for love again, but definitely not with a female who smells like you.
I like a woman who’s bigger than me. If you do choose me, and if something tragic should ever happen to you, I will turn female, take your place, and have my pick of suitors. Then I’ll know how you’re feeling right now. But it will be too late.