I hope Russian hackers don’t expose my secret emails with my real-life secret boyfriend, Jason Momoa! Oh man, I don’t want anyone to know that I, 8th grader Abigail Lipson, am actually a sexually active teen and that I am secretly carrying on a steamy online affair with my boyfriend, Khal Drogo.

These Russian Hackers are really getting my guff! Why won’t they leave me and my secret boyfriend, Jason Momoa AKA Aquaman, alone?! Also, I’m pretty sure they’ve already hacked the water fountain at my school gym. Otherwise, why would it keep spraying me and only me in that embarrassing region when I walk by it?

Is there nothing these Russian Hackers won’t do!? And why is it even after it’s been proven beyond a sliver of a splinter of doubt that these Russian Hackers are involving themselves in our elections thereby completely eroding any confidence we as Americans can have in the integrity of said election, we still turn a blind eye as they get closer and closer to my email inbox and revealing my very real but also very secret relationship with Ronon Dex from Stargate: Atlantis!

Can you imagine what would happen if they got ahold of this email?

JASON MOMOA TO ME (ABIGAIL LIPSON): Abigail, I think it’s really cool that your mom won’t let you shave your legs.

And, I definitely don’t want any of the kids in school to read this:

JASON MOMOA TO ME (ABIGAIL LIPSON): My love, having wet PE shorts is totally normal!

Oh boy, what scary times we live in! I know I’m only 13, but I really want to live in a world where my boyfriend Jason Momoa can feel safe and trust in the most basic and integral institutions we founded our country on, and, of course, that his real and very intimate secret relationship with me, Abigail Lipson, wet-shorted hairy-legged 8th Grader, won’t be revealed to all the kids at my middle school!