“Robbie Tripp posted an open letter to his wife, Sarah, on Instagram. Robbie, who is 26 and an ‘entrepreneur,’ shared a picture of the couple on the beach and, in 265 words, told the world how much he loves Sarah’s curves… Or as Robbie put it, her ‘thick thighs, big booty, cute little side roll, etc.’” — The Telegraph, 8/4/17

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I confess! I love this comedian with a network sitcom and enormous moobs. As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to gargantuan funny guys with little to offer below the neck. My “basic” tweener hoes called them “sloppy” or even “unhealthy.” I called them awesomely fatfunny!

Then I became a woman and started to educate myself on how the media marginalizes women who don’t get swampy over guys the average Kappa might refer to as “chubby” or even “fat,” and realized how many women have bought into that lie. That’s when I figured out if you want a fun guy who makes you laugh, you should reinforce your bed frame or stop dating forever, you high-maintenance bitch.

For me, there is nothing sexier than a guy with a giant belly, bigger tits than mine, and a cute little tiny penis. His shape and size won’t be featured on the cover of Men’s Health, but it’s the one I think of when I’m masturbating to something other than Ryan Gosling with an armload of kittens. Which never happens — that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Sexy? A man who is both curvy and confident. And the basket of adorables I’m looking for on Tinder will fill out every inch of his husky jeans while remaining the funniest dipshit at the comedy joint I go to when I want free wings with a side of hepatitis. What hangs over the waistband is measured in inches too, sisters. Think about that.

So please reconsider what society has told you that you should desire. A real man is not a (straight – LOL!) Chippendales dancer or a guy who goes to the gym more than once a year in January. He’s real. He has little stretch marks on his mannaries and cute dimples on his backfat, a regular gig at the Comedy Store, and Lorne Michaels’ assistant’s assistant’s email. He’s plushly real and so is my desire for his wide, funny ass.

That’s why I will celebrate this bigboy for exactly who he is, and who I will love like I love my largest, funniest speed-dating nightmare. So don’t despair, triple-chin-riddled male comedians! There are producers who will hire you for exactly who you are. I promise.