First things first: we’re not a diet company. We’re all about lifestyle. Specifically, a life styled around not eating or enjoying food.

We employ several psychologists. They develop innovative, cognitive-based techniques to help you internalize that eating a pita chip is a moral failure.

We’re focused on wellness. What does wellness mean to us? It means eating 1,300 calories per day and reading motivational quotes curated by our founder’s lanky step-son Jasper.

We repeat: we are absolutely not a diet company. Do you see the word “diet” in our name? No way. Our name is a made-up word.

We’re a mindfulness company. We want you to set aside time to shut out the noise of your hectic life and focus on how your left upper thigh does that weird thing in jeans.

Our program is based on science. Not the science that says that the cycle of weight loss and weight gain is dangerous or the one that says that most dieters gain back the weight they lose. It’s a different science that’s in our secret binder labeled VERY IMPORTANT SCIENCE.

Listen, we just want you to understand your relationship with food. And then twist and transform that relationship into something wildly toxic.

Diets are so outdated. We have bright, millennial branding, and you heard about us on a podcast. Can anything you heard on a podcast be wrong?

We wouldn’t dare describe foods as “good” or “bad.” Instead, we use our patented “Heaven” and “Hell” labeling system, with lifelike flames that engulf your iPhone when you log that you used a tablespoon of balsamic vinaigrette.

Believe us, we’re not a diet company. We’re an innovative technology-first business that wants you to pay us fifty-five dollars per month so we can bully you.

We want to help you eat clean. It’s that simple. Just, like, smoothies and vegetables and, you know, clean stuff, not processed foods, which are bad except some of them are okay and, well, you’ll know a toxin when you see it, right? Hope that clears things up.

Use our app to keep track of every morsel you stuff into your stupid food hole. Then check out our companion app focused on decreasing the stress created by our first app.

For the very last time, loud and clear: we’re not a diet company. A diet company is what gave your mom an eating disorder in the ’80s. We use modern techniques, modern language, and modern science to give you an eating disorder now.