To Whom It May Concern:
Please find attached my résumé and application for a “Star” position on Dancing with the Stars. With my extensive background in the intelligence community, my recent mentions (by name) in Politico and other blogs, and my strong appreciation of Dancing with the Stars, I think I could be a perfect fit.
Stardom was never something I sought out. In fact, when people told me I was going to be “the next star of the US intelligence community, someday even bigger than John Negroponte,” I shrugged it off. For me, intelligence work has always been about keeping one foot in front of the other, in sync with the rhythm of our national needs (not unlike how it works in dance with music). But the truth is, I have had a storied career: 35 years in the intelligence community, top-level clearance, time served in Iraq, I’ve wire-tapped countless officials, I’ve even been wire-tapped myself once or twice. Most significantly, I was Acting Assistant Secretary for Intelligence and Cybersecurity under President Trump for nine days in November and December 2020, where I attended important meetings with cabinet officials when I was not busy shredding our nation’s most essential documents, clearing cookies on our nation’s most important computers, and re-encrypting passwords on our nation’s most sought after files.
Those nine days changed my life. I now realize that being a celebrity is not easy. The constant mentions in blogs and senate briefings. The cameras. Politico printing out my full name. The need to make my Facebook profile private. Of course, it’s not all bad because I have come to see my newfound fame as a platform, a dance floor, whereby I can promote the issues that affect all human beings, like the importance of not opening phishing emails and the need to change your passwords every 90 days.
Though I don’t have a lot of experience dancing professionally, I am a quick learner and I have several assets that will prove invaluable to Dancing with the Stars. I perform well under pressure. Sure, dancing for Len Goodman sounds scary, but as part of my intelligence training, I was waterboarded for a full six hours and did not crack. I figuratively and literally have worn many hats over the course of my career and am willing to wear many more — fedoras, sombreros, boleros, whatever you need.
I am also a team player. Dancing in pairs with a much more experienced partner is not unlike overseeing nuclear warheads. When you unlock nuclear warheads, you have to put your key in the keyhole and twist at the exact same time that the Secretary of Defense does (or else the warheads are automatically disabled for 24 hours). If that isn’t a metaphor for dancing, I don’t know what is. Plus, I’m light on my toes, much more of a Rumer Willis (season 20) than an Alfonso Ribeiro (season 19).
Being an Acting Assistant Secretary for nine days was a defining moment in my career, but I envision the toe-tapping, hip-shaking, sequin-glittering experience of Dancing with the Stars is what will define my legacy.
I appreciate your consideration. I know there are a lot of other Assistant Secretaries applying. Still, I hope you will carefully distinguish those who had their full names mentioned in Politico from those who only had their last names, or even worse, just their titles mentioned.
Henry Randall Pearson