Without fail, orgasming on an empty stomach always registered as “The Earth Died Screaming” by Tom Waits.

The longer it had been since my previous orgasm, the more likely that Shazam would identify it as something by Björk.

Edging before orgasming caused the Shazam app to shut down and Google Maps to open onto an abandoned gas station in southern Utah.

Orgasming with a cold — man, I don’t even want to say … Ja Rule. Ja Rule every time.

An orgasm achieved while watching 1970s pornography registered as Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.”

An orgasm achieved while watching early 2000s pornography registered as Alien Ant Farm’s cover of “Smooth Criminal.”

90% of the time, an orgasm influenced in any way by an ex registered as the Unplugged version of Nirvana’s “In the Pines.”

The other 10% was usually something by Die Antwoord.

It was only when I stopped trying so hard to get a Yoko Ono song that I finally got a Yoko Ono song.

Most faked orgasms registered as an orchestral rendition of the Jeopardy! theme song.

Orgasming with the window open got me “Two Weeks” by Grizzly Bear, but I’m pretty sure that’s because I live above a coffee shop.

Holy shit, I didn’t do one while having sex. Goddammit. That’s like, the whole reason I even did this.