Look, I’ll make this quick. I am 54 years old. I like the Washington Redskins. I eat a bowl of Cheerios with a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice, a piece of toast, and a half of a grapefruit every morning. I’m a regular guy.

It was a half day at work. My wife was visiting her parents in Tulsa, she took the kids, and I just read an article about prostate orgasms on Yahoo. I knew that my wife left her dildo at the house because she told me that she didn’t need it. Whatever.

So I grab this dildo and sit on the stupid thing. Long story short, boom, sexual bliss. The impact of the orgasm shut my eyes and I braced myself in rapturous pleasure. Fine. Whatever.

I open my eyes and I am standing in fucking snow surrounded by trees. I got my wife’s dildo lodged up my ass and I’m looking at this fucking goat person. He looks just as confused as me. First thing he says is, “Most people come out of the wardrobe.” I’m like, “What? I got cum on my thighs and I’m in the middle of a forest. I don’t know anything about a fucking wardrobe.” Then he’s like, “Are you one of the children,” and I’m like, “Hey, asshole, I’m 54 years old. I got male pattern baldness. Do I look like a child?”

We go back and forth. He gives me some candy and I find out I’m in a world called “Narnia” and things are pretty bad right now. There’s some witch and some lion and they are fighting or some shit. Who cares. He tells me about some prophecy about four kids ruling Narnia and how he was expecting to see some kids, and I’m like if you get to Narnia the way I got to Narnia, you better not be expecting to see any kids.

Meanwhile, I’m walking around this fantasy land with a shirt and no pants holding my wife’s dildo like a fucking idiot. Sure, yeah, I chose to fight alongside Aslan. He doesn’t seem like a prick. So I’m barefoot fighting off wolves and bears with my wife’s dildo. Whoop-di-doo.

Aslan recently died. Tough break. But also, I got other shit to do. If I get out of here and I get another half-day at work, you can bet that I’m not gonna use that time to explore my body.