Why hello! Welcome to my suspiciously well-lit bathroom. You’re a stranger and I’m only wearing a bathrobe, so let’s discuss my bathing habits.

My morning showers were as lifeless as a black and white art film, but then I discovered a secret weapon: recklessly blasting my face with water while slowly rising from the bathroom sink. For clear skin my dermatologist insists that a gentle scrub does wonders, but I say that’s absolute horseshit. Each morning I pamper my face with a foaming wash, a good scrub, and enough water to irrigate all of mainland China. So don’t just exfoliate! Grab a handful of water and teach blemishes what fear is.

Gone are the days of gentle cleaning, and here come the days of violently flooding every surface within five feet of the sink. I spent hundreds on expensive creams and lotions, but then I learned exotic ingredients can’t begin to compare with good ol’ fashioned mania. Indulgence has never been so easy. So brace for impact, washcloth users! Because I’m about to give my skin PTSD.

Abrasive pads and chemicals can cause deep damage to skin layers, and you know what? That train don’t stop here. Don’t wait around for pores to just give up their filth. No ma’am — waterboard those little bastards like the enemies of state that they are. My roommate complains about the mess, but I say that morning ablutions aren’t complete until they violate Article 3 of the Geneva Convention.

“But what about Biore strips?” Sister, please. Biore strips are the warning shots of skin care. Don’t ask blackheads to leave — punish them for staying. Sugar their gas tanks. Corner them in dark alleys with a sock full of oranges and a look that says, “Brother, I ain’t asking you twice.” If that doesn’t work, try an exfoliating sponge. Or threaten their children.

I’d show some before and after pictures, but doesn’t my radiant skin speak for itself? Also, my lawyers have advised against photo evidence until all charges are dropped.

Good facial health isn’t just a wellness goal — it’s a life calling. You think that clear skin like this just shows up out of the blue? No. It waits in the dark. So don’t waste money on expensive washes and scrubs! The only things you need to achieve youthful skin is an unreasonable amount of water and a firm, decisive hand.