Ctrl-A, Ctrl-C, Alt-Tab, Ctrl-V, Ctrl-W, annnnd DONE! Done fifteen seconds faster than you, may I add. I can use these fifteen secs for anything I want, like maybe explaining how useful k-board shortcuts are to a norm-time idiot like you.

Alt-Tab, Alt-Tab, oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. By the end of today alone, I’ll have saved seven mins, collectively. How much time have you saved, sorry? Too hard to keep a time-gained/time-wasted log because you have to focus on moving your hand to your mouse and moving it back again? And with each movement, wearing away the cartilage in your elbow, which in 0.2 percent of cases could lead to minor pain and a rheumatologist appointment — a 45-minute affair, at least.

Yeah, if you don’t mind, I’ll stick with the k-board and save up enough time to thoroughly dry my hands after I speed-piss at 3:48.

Alt-Tab, Alt-Ctrl-Shift-F9. I programmed that last one myself. You know you can program your own shortcuts, right? Even if they don’t come standard on your machine you can do it? Did you know that? Like Alt-Ctrl-Shift-F9, which I programmed myself? It opens Outlook, finds the last message from my wife, replies with “Yes, Be home very soon. -H,” and sets a timer for three hours.

To a norm-time idiot, three hours might not seem like “very soon,” but when you think about how much time I can save using shortcuts in those three hours … Yeah, it makes sense.

And she’s already responded. I only read what fits in the pop-up notification. If you think your message is too important for seven-words-or-less, then I was going to cut you out of my life anyway. OK. Subject: “RE: What is wrong with you?” “I don’t think we’ve spoken in…” Alt-Ctrl-Shift-F9! Next! Alt-Tab, Alt-Shift-Tab. She’s great. I shouldn’t have waited till the second date to propose. Should’ve known after the first date — no, before.

Oof, I haven’t talked to a person for this long in a while. I can practically feel myself phasing out of hyper-time. I — I need to eat something. Mind plugging that hose into my arm? C’mon! Fine gimme it. Ah! God! My meals have been all-intravenal for the last two years. Can’t waste time on the mouth-to-stomach-to-nutrients thing. My old lady’s slaving away right now, prepping our dinner bags of nutrition goo — tonight it’s Recipe #4: Extra Vitamin B-12. Special occasion, we finally freed up enough time to meet our son.