If mama ain’t drinking coffee and it’s before 8 AM, ain’t nobody need to be talking to her/me.

If mama ain’t getting paid family leave, ain’t nobody need to be wondering where she lives because it obviously ain’t Sweden.

If mama ain’t called something other than mama by total strangers, ain’t nobody gonna be getting a smile back. Not happening.

If mama ain’t getting mad or sad about something, ain’t nobody gotta wonder if she’s stuffing it all down because oh boy IS she.

If mama ain’t making some mistakes, ain’t nobody think that’s actually true, do they?

If mama ain’t getting some sort of support after this baby is born, ain’t nobody gonna be getting a sibling.

If mama ain’t making the same amount of money for the same job as a man, ain’t nobody gonna be hearing the end of it, that’s for damn sure.

If mama ain’t given some sort of heads up to throw on a nice dress and some lipstick the night that she’s thrown a surprise birthday party, ain’t nobody gonna be liking any of the surprises that come next.

If mama ain’t starting a mommy blog, ain’t nobody else need to be starting a mommy blog. All full up, ladies!

If mama ain’t fitting into her pants, ain’t nobody need to be stating the obvious at least to her face, seriously — use your head on this one, guys.

If mama ain’t got a job outside the home, ain’t nobody gotta say something just plain D-U-M-B like “I’m SO happy I returned to work where I CAN USE MY BRAIN AGAIN.”

If mama ain’t a stay at home mama, ain’t nobody gotta say something just plain mean like, “Why did you have kids if you’re not gonna raise them?”

If mama ain’t asked you for some parenting advice, ain’t no reason to shoot your mouth off, INTERNET.

If mama ain’t enjoying every minute, ain’t nobody need to ask her why unless they really want to hear the answer(s).

If mama ain’t loading the dishwasher, ain’t nobody gotta leave their dishes on the table as if the only passable bridge between these two mysterious places is a middle aged vagina.

If mama ain’t told you 121 times to pick up your socks, ain’t nobody gotta wonder why because chances are she’s probably dead.

If mama ain’t yelling and instead is very, very sing-songy, ain’t nobody getting out of this one alive.

If mama ain’t breastfeeding, ain’t nobody’s damn business why or why not, zip it.

If mama ain’t having it all, ain’t nobody having it all. Seriously, it’s not even an actual thing.

If mama ain’t out of ice cream, ain’t nobody need to wonder if there’s late bed time tonight, there is not, go to bed now, I have ice cream to eat.

If mama ain’t running for political office, ain’t nobody need to worry because she’ll still go ahead and fix the world all by herself just like she does every other thing.

If mama ain’t feeling completely fulfilled, heard, relaxed, and respected, ain’t nobody HA-HA-HA sorry couldn’t even get through that one with a straight face.