MAN: I had fun last night!
WOMAN: You know what else would be fun? Honeymooning in Cabo!
MAN: We should get a drink sometime.
WOMAN: Well, I can tell you already had a few too many sips of my love elixir. But sure, another drink sounds good!
MAN: I think my roommate might be home.
WOMAN: Meeting your parents already!?
MAN: Did you get a haircut?
WOMAN: I thought this was just a sex thing, but you noticed my chemo…
MAN: Hey, excuse me, I think your shoelace is untied.
WOMAN: Oh my gosh! You care about me, you really do! I can tell you’ll be the kind of man to let your career take the back seat when we have twelve children.
MAN: Can I come over around 11?
WOMAN: 11 is when they eat dinner in Spain, so I kinda assume this is a marriage-type situation, I just didn’t realize you wanted us to relocate to Europe.
WOMAN (thinking): Eye contact….not unpromising.
MAN: So I don’t see this going anywhere—
WOMAN: Because you see this going everywhere?
MAN: [sends text]
WOMAN (thinking): Wow, he responded within an hour! This is moving very fast; who has better health insurance? Probably me — he is a DJ.
MAN: I just want you to know there’s a chance we might bump into my friends at the park. They are there for their annual pig roast.
WOMAN: Wow, meeting your friends already? Is it too soon to draw up an invite list to our wedding? We could roast a pig there! I only said I was a vegan because I get more Tinder matches when I do!
MAN: I mean, it’s 3 a.m. and the trains aren’t running, so if you want to sleep here I guess that’s cool.
WOMAN: A shared bed!
MAN: I mean, I’d prefer if you went home but I get that it’s super late. You could take an Uber. But if the Uber’s more than ten minutes away we should just sleep here because I don’t want to stay up any later.
WOMAN: What’s next, a shared last name!?
MAN: Actually, I think you should probably go home. We’ll both sleep better in our own beds.
WOMAN: Wow, thank you for caring about my health and well-being!
MAN: Can I come over around 10?
WOMAN: You mean like a date!?
MAN: I’m excited!
WOMAN: Oh, I know.
MAN: good u?
WOMAN: Awww, do you really want to know how I feel? And we just met! [6 months ago.]
MAN: You look nice.
WOMAN: Wow — that’s definitely not something you’d say to just any woman you’re having sex with!! Men should by now know to be careful when they tell women they look nice — we might get the wrong impression! It’s like If You Give A Mouse A Cookie — everyone knows that if you give a lady one compliment, it’s going to spiral into her expecting a wedding ring. And, like, a diamond ring, ok, not like the one you gave your current wife.
MAN: [swipes right]
WOMAN: [thinking] This feels right. I’m more sure of this relationship than anything in my life, and am ready to slowly pull away from my career because he will clearly be financially supporting me in a few years (as a DJ).
MAN (during intercourse): Kate that feels so good.
WOMAN: Oh my god! My name is Jennifer — are you addressing our unborn daughter? Well, I guess now would be as good a time as any to ask if you want me to go off the pill, which I already did the moment I met you.
MAN: [brushes his teeth before sexual encounter]
WOMAN: So romantic!