Sympathy:
Inability to Conceive a Child
Kidney Stone Passing
Minor League Hockey Team Sucks
Gerbil Found in Heating Vent
Sudden, Unexpected Weight Gain
$2 Billion Satellite Burned Up Upon Re-entry
That Time of the Month Again
Job Outsourced
Congratulations:
Birth of Illegitimate Child
Consolation Champs
Sixth Minute Wedding Anniversary
Finally Off Welfare
Smarter Than the Average Bear
Regained Partial Feeling in Face
Discovered Where That Smell Was Coming From
Cured Cancer