You’re upset. I get it. Watching these stop-motion films from your childhood is the only thing that makes you feel alive anymore. And rosy-cheeked Kris Kringle having a death wish has gotta put a damper on the Christmas Spirit. I’m sorry, I am, but I think you’ll agree with me if you just let me make my case.

Do you know how long ago 1970 was? The things we found funny and appropriate to show to bright-eyed children have changed. For example, when I, Kris Kringle, hermit dweller of the mountains, descended on the Footloose-style repressed village of Sombertown, I had to win over the affections of a bunch of jaded children. My solution? A musical number called “If You Sit on My Lap Today,” where I promised children toys and treats in exchange for them trusting me enough to, you know, sit on my lap.

“A kiss a toy is the price you’ll pay.” They actually let me say that. To children. If a man from out of town approached your kids on the street and pulled something like that, you’d probably try to have him arrested, and you certainly wouldn’t make him a fixture of your most treasured holiday for decades to come.

And don’t even get me started on Miss Jessica, the buttoned-up schoolteacher that I eventually married. Again, this was 1970, and single women still needed a man to co-sign with them at the bank. So it wasn’t a big deal when I assumed (correctly, mind you) that the reason why this woman was a little uptight was because she still harbored a grudge over never getting a doll as a child. I change her entire demeanor by producing a doll, and convinced her to help me almost suspiciously quickly. But, sure, I bet you’re right, that scene, like the rest of the movie, is a “classic,” and you simply “couldn’t celebrate Christmas without it.”

There’s also the matter of a penguin who has inexplicably strayed quite far from the South Pole. There’s nothing about that that aged poorly, but I bet if you re-watch the movie you’re going to find his honk really freakin’ annoying.

So, please, just let me fade into the recesses of holiday tradition. I promise, there will be other movies you can watch. Check out that one where all the elves make fun of that other elf for wanting to be a dentist. I bet that one offers a better message for your kids.