Hi everyone! Doug here. Thanks for visiting this part of our website! Here are some questions I expect many of you will be wondering about!
Who is getting married?
I’m told people were confused upon receiving the invitation, which requested your attendance at “The wedding of Doug and M&M’s.” Many have asked if “M&M’s” is a nickname for the bride or perhaps an acronym. No. I am marrying M&M’s. The candy.
How did the couple meet?
M&M’s and I have known each other for many years (I dare say intimately! Ha-ha!) but one day at work I was talking about how much I loved M&M’s. My co-worker, Phil, asked if I loved them so much, why didn’t I marry them. And here we are. Phil’s the best!
Does/do M&M’s have a gender identity or preferred pronoun?
She or her. No one likes to be called “it” so don’t do that. Also, please steer away from “them” even if, at the wedding in particular, you are faced with thousands of M&M’s at once in mountains such as you would have never imagined. Keep with the singular. Thanks.
Is this marriage even legal?
I looked through all the law books I could at the library and found nothing that said a person couldn’t marry candy. Granted, there was nothing that said a person COULD marry candy but you can’t prove a negative and correlation does not equal causation. Quid pro quo.
Will there be a bachelor party?
Yes! This is going to be a really fun event (not TOO fun! ha-ha!). I would have loved to have invited all the fellas attending the wedding but Phil, my Best Man, tells me that there is only space for ten on the tour of the M&M Mars factory. Those already invited to attend the party should prepare for a looooong night as this tour will be extensive and detailed. Also, no alcohol will be available as it could interfere with the manufacturing.
Will there be a bridal shower?
I don’t know. I can’t figure out how that would work. Probably not. I’ll let you know if there is. Probably not, though.
Where should we park?
Anywhere in the employee section of the M&M Mars factory parking lot. The wedding is on a Saturday so there should be plenty of spots.
Do you understand what marriage even is?
I understand what love is! And the rest we’ll just make up as we go along! I’m surprised how often this particular question is raised, to be honest.
Again about the bride, who or what will be standing up there?
It’s a good question since what I’m marrying is as much a concept as a physical entity. Joining me at the altar will be the bag I was holding when Phil (love ya, Phil!) first suggested we tie the knot. It’s been reinforced with a lot of duct tape but I’d say there are still ten or twelve manifestations of my beloved in there.
“Who on Earth would agree to conduct such a ceremony?” (direct quote from my sister)
We have managed to secure the services of the daytime manager of the M&M’s store in Times Square in New York City. She has been ordained online so, yes, Gretchen, it’s legal.
If I eat M&M’s, am I then eating your bride?
Thank you for asking. I have thought a lot about this and I feel that yes, you are. But that the spirit of M&M’s goodness does not die upon consumption. If anything, the joy one feels upon consuming M&M’s makes the spirit of M&M’s grow stronger and more powerful. I believe that this resultant joy is imbued in the new M&M’s being constantly manufactured in Hackettstown, New Jersey, site of the wedding, where there are several hotels and fun things to do.
Where will the couple live?
My apartment, which is estimated to be capable of containing 253 million M&M’s. We’re going to put that to the test! Ha-ha!
What about the stuff that happens on the wedding night? How will that work?
That’s when we’re having the reception!
So will we be actually consuming your bride at the reception?
She insists, I’d bet!
What if I prefer Peanut M&M’s?