I forgot to have my first-year college students renounce Jesus in their initial essay of the semester. I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention to the gay agenda I shove down everyone’s throat by going out in public with my family. It must have been all the pot I smoked in high school that made me so forgetful.

I neglected to make my students gay marry a Mexican penguin with pronouns, so I’m not living up to my reputation as an English department instructor.

I totally blanked on making my white students sit in the back of the classroom, so I guess I better get more closely acquainted with critical race theory so I can betray the white race, instate reverse racism, and turn myself over for enslavement at the hands of one of the few Black women in my department, who somehow proves, just by not being a custodian, that racism and sexism are in the far distant past.

I should write the board of regents and let them know I’m teaching “The Cornerstone Speech” by Confederate Vice President Alexander Stephens so they can go back in time and get him to leave out that direct quote from a primary source about how “the cornerstone of the confederacy rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery, subordination to the superior race, is his natural and moral condition,” because that conflicts with the ambiguous narrative of states’ rights. Don’t mention that the right to do what is never mentioned. Criticism of the past is ingratitude bordering on heresy, and God has been a part of the Pledge of Allegiance forever. “Forever” started in 1954 to fight communism, and God knows if my house catches fire, I’m going to watch it burn because fire departments paid for by taxes are an infringement on my individual liberty.

If I take the whole town down in flames with me, that’s just too damn bad. Jesus never gave anything away for free, did he?