“I’m not Ken Starr or Alan Dershowitz. You’re not going to get a law professor’s explanation… I’m a guy who gets up in court and talks.” — Bruce Castor, defense attorney for former President Trump’s Impeachment Trial

- - -

Folks, I’m not some fancy law professor like those big men sitting in their big chairs using their big words. My job isn’t to know the law; it’s to talk in vague circles so you’re never really sure what I’m arguing for or against. I want you to come away from my lawyering with less knowledge than you had before, like a lobotomy in a Brooks Brothers suit.

I’m salt of the earth, just like every single American in this great nation. I grew up on my pappy’s farm making pretend court. The family cow was the judge and the chickens the jurors. Even now, as I look at all these assembled senators, I see nothing more than all the pigs that would watch me talk about something that I know nothing about, then as now: the law.

Maybe you’re all wondering what I’m even talking about. Wasn’t I supposed to talk about how President Trump didn’t incite an insurrection? Sure, probably. But when you hire a court-talking guy like me, it’s a bit like, if I may quote another guy who really knew how to talk, “a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.” Trump didn’t do it. There.

See, Trump and I are very similar. We’re both guys who get up there and just start getting at it, socially. We don’t prepare things, we don’t do research, we don’t practice. We start entire thoughts without having considered where they will end, much less how they will be interpreted. So what if Trump told his rabid, die-hard supporters that “you will never take back our country with weakness”? He probably planned to finish by saying something like, “but we should not storm the Capitol building and instead all sign a petition on change.org!” but the wind covered that part up.

And what’s the deal with suing people for saying things? As a person whose job is to just show up and say stuff, that seems pretty shady to me. What, if you say something that endangers lives and our entire system of government, you suddenly have to account for it? I mean, hey, if I were Ken Starr I would probably say something about how a president shouldn’t be impeached just because they told someone to do something. Don’t trust me on this because my law stuff memory is a bit hazy, but the first Constitution said that there are no consequences for saying stuff.

Look, it’s not my job to know the law. I’m just here to argue. I’m a bit tired now, but I’m paid hourly, so if anyone wants to argue later, I’ll be at the Starbucks down the street. I’m not a barista or anything, but I really think they need to stir their iced caramel macchiatos more because the caramel settles at the bottom, but again, I’m just a guy who grabs the first coffee they put out regardless of if my name was called or not.