Hello, “Yo, Games” staff!

Thank you for meeting me in the alleyway behind Carl’s Jr. Does anyone need water? Chips? A baggie of oregano I intend to sell to pre-teens?

Yes, it’s me. Some of you might recognize me as the Yo, Games! intern let go for his dynamic, outside-the-box approach to mail fraud. Still others might know me from my failed start up, Big Twizzin, a company that sold novelty-sized reproductions of a licorice candy that I can’t legally name.

Well, forget all that — let priors be priors, as the saying goes. Because tonight I’m here to introduce a dynamic, disruptive start-up that’s ready to change San Francisco forever.

Ha-ha, yes, Aiden: “He has a knife!” That’s exactly the sort of instant engagement I’m going for.

Allow me to explain. Knife, the company, is a disruptive idea that is right on the cutting edge. Users — in this case, me — simply brandish their knife to take money from neighboring tech workers. By leveraging hyper-local tactics, I am able to capitalize on the excess capacity of your incomes. And, unless you want to see me penetrate your market, you’ll pay up.

Knife has a story as simple as it is inspirational. I was barely scraping by as an artisan substance mogul, squeezed out by gentrification and Big Frank. One night, hoping to pivot myself to a hot meal, I found myself looking at the office buildings high above me. I wondered: had the tech world forgotten me, and, by extension, all those less fortunate? And, in this on-demand economy, could I demand money with a knife?

That’s the philosophy behind Knife, an exciting start-up that Wired called “Please don’t hurt me.”

From those humble beginnings, Knife has spread throughout the area in a viral, gritty campaign. You may have already met colleagues or neighbors who can’t stop talking about their experience. And, not to brag, but I’ve already been labeled a local “person of interest” in several publications.

Don’t even think about it, Aiden. One false move and you’ll be an angel investor.

Well that’s my elevator pitch — excuse me, alley pitch. And, if any of you aren’t convinced to be part of this crowdfunding, I’d be happy to give you an intimate, face-to-face exploration of the Knife dynamic.

No? Excellent. Crowdfunding is an important part of any new company, and I’m glad to see you all on board with our freemium “not-getting-stabbed” package. Wallets and jewelry up to the front. Series B will be you in the back, and…

Is that a siren? Huh. See, that’s problematic: in the proud tradition of disruptive start-ups like Uber or Air B&B, Knife doesn’t exactly hold by dusty old legality.

It’s a shame to pivot so quickly, but hey; that’s start-ups for you. Still, even as I prepare to run through these alleys, I feel confident in knowing that I left behind a legacy. Which, for the record, is different than evidence.

In the meantime, don’t get caught off-guard for my next investment opportunity. I don’t want to jinx anything, but let’s just say that “Sock Full Of Quarters” might be the next thing on everyone’s lips in 2016. Especially Aiden’s.

Thank you so much for being with me on the #Knifed journey. Be sure to use the hashtag in the police report!