Here’s the thing about men. We’re fearless.
We punch through BRICKS with our BARE HANDS. We ride DIRT BIKES and eat SALTY MEATS. We’re also not even slightly afraid of the dark but just want to see a bit better at night sometimes.
That’s why we invented the MANLIGHT!
Normally, I couldn’t in good conscience recommend a nightlight. They’re ALWAYS reserved for cowardly children and hairless cats. The ManLight is different. It’s the only nightlight for REAL men who go to the RODEO, STAB THINGS, and are DEFINITELY NOT afraid of the dark.
I want to make this very clear. I do not think you’re afraid of the dark. You’re a warrior. A killer. A hotdog-itarian KING.
Specially designed for a man’s life, the ManLight is made out of SOLID TITANIUM. It can withstand TANK SHELLS and being DUNKED in three thousand gallons of AXE BODY SPRAY. Just give that baby a slap and it’ll blast away the unforgiving darkness like a NUCLEAR WARHEAD.
Plus, it’s disguised in the shape of a BICEP, so no one will ask if you whimper in your bed each night, begging for the sun to return.
Why would a man like you even need a nightlight, you ask? Why not just career through the night like a ground-beef-loving wrecking ball? Let’s paint a picture.
You’re lying in bed after a rad day of JET SKI BASE JUMPING.
It’s pitch black.
There are no stars. No moon above.
You can’t see your hand in front of your face.
A cold breeze picks up.
The house creaks.
Your heart begins to race.
What could be out there? A killer? A pack of feral dogs stalking your every move? A horrible creature with teeth like daggers primed to rip you naked and raw into its gaping mouth? A REAL man knows anything is possible in the endless, unknowable night.
A quivering chill races down your spine. But you’re not afraid. Right? Definitely not. You just wanted to see a bit better? Right?
Punch that crisis of masculinity in the FLIPPIN’ NECK with the ManLight. You are brave. You are strong. You are valid. The ManLight devours the night like you devour the hottest hot wings.
The horrors of darkness will NEVER again haunt your dreams—even though, as previously mentioned, you’ve never been afraid of the dark, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar, because, honestly, it’s just nice to see a bit better sometimes, and that’s what the ManLight is for, so stop asking.
The ManLight has MORE juice than a tub of MONSTER ENERGY. MORE power than a MAGNITUDE-TEN EARTHQUAKE. MORE light than the SURFACE OF THE SUN.
So you never have to feel that creeping feeling that your ancestors felt so long ago. Staring out into the pitch-black universe. Not knowing what is and what could be. They must have felt so alone. Praying to the old gods that the terrors of the mind wouldn’t creep into reality.
In a way, that’s our only connection to them. A long chain of fear. Winding its way from the heart of the first man to us. Alone. Staring out into the pitch-black universe.
The only thing we have in common with those stinky Neanderthals is our sweet, muscular bods.
You are loved. You are cherished. You are safe.
Because you’re a REAL MAN. Who would fight a full-grown bear and eat a bag of dried deer livers without thinking!
Let the MANLIGHT cradle you gently to sleep, brave warrior.
Also, be sure to check out our tissues for guys who won’t cry into them, as well as the meditation tapes for men who will carry their rage to the grave.