Come one, come all! Behold the hitherto-unseen fast-acting powers of Mr. Musk’s Cure-All Company Elixir. His is the one and only medicinal prescription sure to rid your business of any and all ailments, like profitability and popularity!
Must be seen to be believed, and must be believed to be seen… Mr. Musk’s omnipotent ointment is sure to turn your ailing institution around—three hundred sixty degrees around and into the ground, that is!
Are you tired of the pains and aches that come with running a highly trafficked and widely used service? Fret about your successes no more! With Mr. Musk’s Cure-All Company Elixir, you’ll be sure to go from potentially salvageable to undeniably unmanageable in mere iotas of a moment!
How did this powerfully potent potion come to be? Why, we’ll tell you: one Elon Musk was running an experiment (or three!) and very much by accident (and also by his brute intellectual force) stumbled upon a preparation of the most wondrous of cocktails, by which he found himself able to lay off hundreds—nay, thousands—of employees at a time!
This nostrum is no fluke or flounder—indeed, it is the only chemistry any soul with a penchant for bankruptcy will ever need. Just one drop of Mr. Musk’s sordid solution, and you’ll feel as if the world has turned against you—yes, indeed, a single dash may even be too much!
“This Mr. Musk is the world’s wealthiest man,” you may observe, “Clearly he knows nothing of destroying his own livelihood. How on this green earth could he help destroy mine?” Ah, but that is only half the story—for Musk is a man who has managed to lose half of his wealth in a matter of months. He builds cars that explode and kill. He is a man who thinks we ought to live on Mars. So, dear friend, you can trust us when we say: he is the world’s foremost expert on bad ideas, and this clever concoction is no exception!
If all that is still not enough to convince you, perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime deal will do the trick! Mr. Musk wishes his wealth of worthless wisdom on the world, and so he has decided to do the unthinkable: starting today, he will be giving away samples of his salve for the low, low price of just eight American dollars.
Do not walk—run… to obtain your nearly free vial of Mr. Musk’s unrivaled panacea, and watch with glee as everything you’ve worked for crumbles to dust in your hands. For that is the power of Elon Musk’s Cure-All Company Elixir! We’ll see you soon, in the innermost pages of a Chapter Eleven!