My name is Captain Jim Haney, and I’m here to tell you that flying isn’t what it used to be. Back in my military days I was the cock of the walk. I would take out two TIE Fighters before lunch without breaking a sweat and come back for more. Oh, did I forget to mention that I used to fly with the Rebel Alliance? Well, I’ll tell you something else; it’s a lot harder to fly a regular ol’ airplane—let alone a commercial jumbo jet—using the Force than Star Wars would suggest.

It’s a subtle skill with a lot of important “do’s” and “don’t’s.” You do have to feel the Force flowing through your being. You do have to let it guide you gently to your destination. You do have to remain focused on the energy fields radiating from other objects that might be in your way, like prop planes and asteroid fields. One big don’t, though, is flying Continental’s planes with your eyes closed.

I don’t think it’s strictly forbidden, but the first time I tried it they really chewed me out. And that’s nothing compared to what they did the second and third times. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still trying to fly 747s blind anymore.

I guess it’s all been down hill since the Rebellion succeeded and I’ve been out of the job. I’m grateful that Continental lets me fly again, but they have to let me do it my way. They can’t expect me to fly as long as they tie my hands behind my back with radar and modern instruments. Flying doesn’t come from a bunch of digits and dials; it comes from randomly guessing where to go based on mystical signals.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that my record doesn’t really prove my case. Yes, I have the most avian mortalities of any pilot in the fleet. Yes, three emergency landings is a lot for one flight, especially from New York to Boston. And no, I’m still not allowed to fly over British airspace because of the whole “military base crash” debacle.

Am I fully capable of using the Force as an alternative to eyesight and radar as would a Jedi knight? No. Do I have faith that one day I will be? Absolutely.

Anyway, I appreciate you all hearing me out. As always there is no smoking while aboard the aircraft and I will ask you to remain seated as long as the FASTEN SEATBELT light is on. I hope you enjoy your flight and thank you for choosing Continental.