“The name’s Bond. James Bond. Not ‘Jim’ Bond. Not ‘Jamie’ Bond. James Bond. Do you need me to spell that out for you?”
“I’ll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred. If it’s stirred, I’ll send it back.”
“Do you expect me to talk, Blofeld? Because I’m more than willing to talk. In fact, I’ll post about this on Yelp, Nextdoor, Facebook, Parler….”
“I have a license to kill. And I have another license, which permits me to make unscheduled inspections on behalf of the homeowner’s association. Open up.”
“Dr. No? That’s what I said when they told me to get vaccinated.”
“I work on Her Majesty’s Secret Service—and just to be clear, when I say ‘Her Majesty,’ I am absolutely not talking about that horrible Meghan Markle.”
“You only live twice: Once when you are born and once when you look death in the face. Of course, if you’re a lazy millennial, you’d probably just live once and then give up because it’s too much work.”
(After garrotting a man with an N95 mask) “I told you it’s impossible to breathe with these things on.”
(After impaling a man with a TV antenna) “It’s impossible to get good service these days.”
(After decapitating a McDonald’s employee) “He wasn’t even a bad guy. That’s just how I treat service workers.”
“There’s a saying in England: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Or an urban family having a barbecue in a public park, which is just as bad.”
“There’s a mole in MI6. You know what this means. Time to call the police.”
“For Queen and country! But not for the European Union—Brexit means Brexit!”
“I thought Christmas comes only once a year. Oh, I’m sorry, you can’t say ‘Christmas’ these days, can you? I suppose I should call you ‘Happy Holidays Jones.’ Anyway, shall we fuck?”
“My dear girl, there are some things that just aren’t done. Such as drinking Dom Pérignon ’53 above the temperature of 38 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs.” (NOTE: Bizarrely, this one’s already a real quote.)