Step 1. Have a real estate mogul (caliph?) launder political campaign contributions for the two-state solution through unwitting partners, employees, and family members to avoid campaign spending limits.
Step 2. Use as a loan for a failing hedge fund its manager’s personal coffers as well as the coffers of a national organization for Hebrew day schools. For purposes of peace, Arabic day schools, too.
Step 3. Hire former fellow inmates from a white collar prison sentenced for committing fraud and embezzlement to said family real estate company.
Step 4. Devise a tax fraud scheme that allows a real estate caliph (?) to claim $250,741 in deductions for “office expenses” at partnerships that manage buildings owned by the family real estate company. But in Israel.
Step 5. Donate five-figure sums to family foundations whose holdings blur between loans, private equity, fund assets, and non-Hezbollah-affiliated union pension funds.
Step 6. Help a politician (A warlord? Imam?) retaliate against their brother-in-law, who may be cooperating with the government.
Step 6a. Hire a prostitute.
Step 6b. Place a hidden camera/Dome of the Rock snow globe in a hotel room.
Step 6c. Arrange nude rendezvous with said brother-in-law — recorded from said hidden camera/Dome of the Rock snow globe — and send the tape to his wife, the warlord’s sister.
Step 7. Bribe the head of a prison guard’s union whose pension fund is managed by a failing hedge fund co-owned by BOTH Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas.
Step 8. Donate $2.5 million to a school near Mt. Sinai (double check if real mountain) to secure a spot for an important person’s son with poor grades. (Does Jerusalem have a mayor? A high priest?)
Step 9. Acquire a newspaper and force out seven respected editors over seven years. (The Tel Aviv Post? The Tel Aviv Post.)
Step 10. Use the role as chief diplomat in the Israeli/Palestinian conflict to secure overseas investment for your under-capitalized 41-story office building on Fifth Avenue.
Step 11. Marry off the son of somebody important (preferably said real estate caliph) to Princess Jasmine and make him special adviser for:
- Peace in the Middle East
- Warming relations between the world’s two largest economies
- Negotiating trade agreements with Mexico and Canada
- Solving a national opioid epidemic
- Reforming veterans care programs
- Governing the nation of Iraq
Step 12. Never speak in public and hope it all works out.