“I’ll be Seeing You (On Skype Until We Give Up On This Long-Distance Relationship)”

“Someone to Watch Over Me (While I Pee in the Woods Behind This House Party)”
“You Do Something to Me (But I Wouldn’t Call it an Orgasm)”
“Let’s Fall in Love (On OkCupid)”
“Don’t Get Around Much Anymore (Since I Got a Cat)”

“I Gotta Right to Sing the Blues (And Eat This Economy-Sized Tub of Hummus)”
“All The Things You Are (Suck, But I’ll Still Let You Feed Me Compliments)”

“The Lady is a Tramp (But Only Her Friends are Allowed to Call Her That)”
“You’re My Thrill (When I See Facebook Pictures of How Fat You’ve Gotten Since High School)”

“Until the Real Thing Comes Along (I’m Not Shaving My Legs)”
“They Can’t Take That Away From Me (Because I Deferred My Student Loans)”
“How Deep Is the Ocean? (Like, Have You Ever Actually Thought About That? It’s Probably Like, Crazy Deep and Goes On Forever. I Think I Just Ate All Your Oreos. I’m Really Sorry. Are You Mad at Me? You’re Such a Good Friend. I Love You So Much. Sorry, I’ll Stop Petting Your Hair. Are You Mad at Me? I Love You So Much. Shhhh. Let’s Order Pizza)”

“I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm (And His Name is Jim Beam)”