“Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced on Friday that the Justice Department is pursuing about three times as many leak investigations as were open at the end of the Obama era, a significant devotion of resources to hunt down disclosures that have plagued the Trump administration.” — New York Times, 8/4/17

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Jeff Sessions stands before the president’s staff, seated, in a boardroom.

JEFF SESSIONS: I called this meeting today to remind all of you that this administration will not tolerate leaks.

Phone buzzes.

SESSIONS: Hold on one second. It appears there’s a new report from the New York Times that Trump doesn’t know the words to the Pledge of Allegiance. First off, as of a few months ago, that’s not true. Second off, if I catch which one of you—

Phone rings.

SESSIONS: Hello, honey, I’m in a meeting. What? Who told you that? I need to go. Which one of you told my wife that I’ve been eating carbs at lunch?

No one raise their hand.

SESSIONS: I’m not mad. Please, I just want some honesty. You Benson, you’re texting under the table. What are you texting?

BENSON: Calm down, I’m just texting my son.

SESSIONS: Just texting your son. I’ve heard that one before. What are you texting him?

BENSON: “In meeting, Sessions really freaking out. Tell all your friends at the Washington Post.”

SESSIONS: Why would you be texting that when I’m right in front of you?

BENSON: I usually just sit at my desk all day. It’s boring. This is the one exciting thing I get to do.

SESSIONS: Well, you’re not sending that text.

Another staffer, Williams, wearing recording headphones pokes his head up.

WILLIAMS: Could you say that again? I didn’t catch it.

SESSIONS: How didn’t I notice you there before?

WILLIAMS: I’m wearing boardroom camouflage by Brooks Brothers.

SESSIONS: You obviously can’t record this.

WILLIAMS: I don’t want to forget anything we discuss.

SESSIONS: There’s not much to remember. Just NO MORE LEAKS.

WILLIAMS: That was great. Could you try that again exactly like you just did it? I just need to lower the levels a bit.

SESSIONS: Get out.

Williams gets up and opens the door, revealing a horde of reporters standing outside. Williams closes the door before they can get in.

SESSIONS: How do they know we’re meeting now? This wasn’t on any public schedule.

BENSON: I shared it on Facebook. I wanted to make sure none of the staff missed it.

SESSIONS: That’s what the memos are for.

BENSON: Quick show of hands, how many people found out about this meeting through the memo.

No hands go up.

BENSON: Facebook?

Everyone’s hands shoot up.

SESSIONS: I’m going to fire all of you.

Phone rings.

SESSIONS: It’s from the president. You’re all in trouble now.

TRUMP: I just heard you’re planning on firing my staff.

SESSIONS: How did you hear that?

TRUMP: Right above the room you’re currently in is the Oval Office. This place is such a dump you can hear everything through the ceiling.

SESSIONS: Phew at least this time it wasn’t a leak.

TRUMP: It’s a leak now. I just tweeted it. It’s big news and I’m mad about it.

SESSIONS: (to the room of staffers) Does anyone want my job?

No one raises their hands.

SESSIONS: Well, I quit anyway. Did you hear that, Mr. President?

TRUMP: (from upstairs) Yes.

SESSIONS: Now that I’m no longer Attorney General, can I ask who was behind all of these leaks? You can just raise your hands, so the president can’t see.

TRUMP: I heard that.

SESSIONS: Two interns in the basement are debating whether or not golf is fun.

TRUMP: I need to get down there.

Sounds of Trump running downstairs.

SESSIONS: So, who leaked that the president’s elbows move all funny when he dances?


SESSIONS: How about the secret that his middle name is really Jumbo?

DIFFERENT STAFFER: That one was me.

SESSIONS: A few weeks ago, who was the one that leaked that he was planning on signing a bill making Donald Dollars the country’s only legal tender, throwing the entire economy into a panic?


SESSIONS: All of you?

BENSON: Yeah, that seemed like a pretty serious thing that had to be stopped.

SESSIONS: Well it didn’t work. Look at all of our wallets.

Sessions and others open their wallets to reveal Donald Dollars, bills marked with crudely drawn pictures of Trump’s face, a sad reminder that they had all failed.