“Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced on Friday that the Justice Department is pursuing about three times as many leak investigations as were open at the end of the Obama era, a significant devotion of resources to hunt down disclosures that have plagued the Trump administration.” — New York Times, 8/4/17
Jeff Sessions stands before the president’s staff, seated, in a boardroom.
JEFF SESSIONS: I called this meeting today to remind all of you that this administration will not tolerate leaks.
Phone buzzes.
SESSIONS: Hold on one second. It appears there’s a new report from the New York Times that Trump doesn’t know the words to the Pledge of Allegiance. First off, as of a few months ago, that’s not true. Second off, if I catch which one of you—
Phone rings.
SESSIONS: Hello, honey, I’m in a meeting. What? Who told you that? I need to go. Which one of you told my wife that I’ve been eating carbs at lunch?
No one raise their hand.
SESSIONS: I’m not mad. Please, I just want some honesty. You Benson, you’re texting under the table. What are you texting?
BENSON: Calm down, I’m just texting my son.
SESSIONS: Just texting your son. I’ve heard that one before. What are you texting him?
BENSON: “In meeting, Sessions really freaking out. Tell all your friends at the Washington Post.”
SESSIONS: Why would you be texting that when I’m right in front of you?
BENSON: I usually just sit at my desk all day. It’s boring. This is the one exciting thing I get to do.
SESSIONS: Well, you’re not sending that text.
Another staffer, Williams, wearing recording headphones pokes his head up.
WILLIAMS: Could you say that again? I didn’t catch it.
SESSIONS: How didn’t I notice you there before?
WILLIAMS: I’m wearing boardroom camouflage by Brooks Brothers.
SESSIONS: You obviously can’t record this.
WILLIAMS: I don’t want to forget anything we discuss.
SESSIONS: There’s not much to remember. Just NO MORE LEAKS.
WILLIAMS: That was great. Could you try that again exactly like you just did it? I just need to lower the levels a bit.
SESSIONS: Get out.
Williams gets up and opens the door, revealing a horde of reporters standing outside. Williams closes the door before they can get in.
SESSIONS: How do they know we’re meeting now? This wasn’t on any public schedule.
BENSON: I shared it on Facebook. I wanted to make sure none of the staff missed it.
SESSIONS: That’s what the memos are for.
BENSON: Quick show of hands, how many people found out about this meeting through the memo.
No hands go up.
BENSON: Facebook?
Everyone’s hands shoot up.
SESSIONS: I’m going to fire all of you.
Phone rings.
SESSIONS: It’s from the president. You’re all in trouble now.
TRUMP: I just heard you’re planning on firing my staff.
SESSIONS: How did you hear that?
TRUMP: Right above the room you’re currently in is the Oval Office. This place is such a dump you can hear everything through the ceiling.
SESSIONS: Phew at least this time it wasn’t a leak.
TRUMP: It’s a leak now. I just tweeted it. It’s big news and I’m mad about it.
SESSIONS: (to the room of staffers) Does anyone want my job?
No one raises their hands.
SESSIONS: Well, I quit anyway. Did you hear that, Mr. President?
TRUMP: (from upstairs) Yes.
SESSIONS: Now that I’m no longer Attorney General, can I ask who was behind all of these leaks? You can just raise your hands, so the president can’t see.
TRUMP: I heard that.
SESSIONS: Two interns in the basement are debating whether or not golf is fun.
TRUMP: I need to get down there.
Sounds of Trump running downstairs.
SESSIONS: So, who leaked that the president’s elbows move all funny when he dances?
STAFFER: Me.
SESSIONS: How about the secret that his middle name is really Jumbo?
DIFFERENT STAFFER: That one was me.
SESSIONS: A few weeks ago, who was the one that leaked that he was planning on signing a bill making Donald Dollars the country’s only legal tender, throwing the entire economy into a panic?
EVERYONE: Me.
SESSIONS: All of you?
BENSON: Yeah, that seemed like a pretty serious thing that had to be stopped.
SESSIONS: Well it didn’t work. Look at all of our wallets.
Sessions and others open their wallets to reveal Donald Dollars, bills marked with crudely drawn pictures of Trump’s face, a sad reminder that they had all failed.