In this column, Kimberly Harrington shares updates on some of literature’s, film’s, and television’s more problematic men. Because even the fictional ones feel entitled to redemption.
“Kevin Spacey appeared in a Massachusetts court, where attorneys entered a not-guilty plea on behalf of the 59-year-old actor, who was arraigned on a felony charge of indecent assault and battery… Spacey is accused of groping an 18-year-old man at a Nantucket bar in 2016.” — Washington Post, 1/7/19
There once was a man in Nantucket
A big star and so he said “fuck it”
Put his hands where he shouldn’t
Hollywood never told him he couldn’t
The hands of justice had better make him suck it
Anthony Rapp was the only voice of reason
Dazed & Confused he was a wonderful breeze in
No matter A-lister deranged
Tried his story to rearrange
Duh, 14-year-olds are never in season
There once was a man who was gay
Who thought coming out’d make things go his way
But the world said “Nice try”
“You came out as a horrible guy”
Of all the areas this one isn’t gray
There once was an actor who tanked
So he made a video called “Let Me Be Frank”
The world watched agog
While sipping egg nog
And somehow lower our opinions they sank
There once was an actor who chose
Unique movies with interesting prose
Their titles foretold
His future was sold
A Usual Suspect right down to his toes
There once was a fancy award winner
Who turned out to be more of a sinner
He preyed on the meek
Whose silence he’d seek
His excuses the only thing getting thinner
There was once a fan of predation
Its reckoning sweeping the nation
Oh American Beauty
Thought nothing but a movie
Turned out to be premeditation
There once was an actor revered
So unknowable and perhaps a bit feared
Whose secret was open
We’re sure he was hopin’
Of allegations he’d always be cleared
There once was a man named Kevin
Who worked in sexual assault heaven
His middle name was Spacey
Which is shockingly lazy
It shoulda been something more tellin’
There once was an actor mysterious
Who’d Walken and Lemmon something serious
He lit up SNL
And late night as well
Now that laughter seems awfully nefarious
There once was an abuser prolific
From Hollywood, New York, and the Old Vic
Circling the famous and no
Occasional royal and so-and-so
Our fave location is where charges will stick
There once was a big acting ace
Who turned out to be such a disgrace
A Baby Driver for real
Who lost all his appeal
Now his name is a different boldface
Kevin Spacey made it all look so easy
But for two years he’s made us quite queasy
Pledging he’d be honest and open
Tho’ his morality’s quite broken
‘cause the only thing he’s been is plain sleazy
There once was an actor prestigious
Whose transgressions were downright egregious
During his big fancy role at Old Vic
His cult of personality made people quite sick
Now Scotland Yard’s brought up charges quite grievous
Back to that pattern of Kris Kringle
Upon the apron that sent the world a-tingle
Was a message being sent?
Or was it simply to vent?
No therapist has ‘nough letters on her shingle
There once was an artist cap A
Who held audiences firm in his sway
He built a reputation untouchable
While touching who was unmentionable
Now we’d love it if he’d just go away