So back in the late 700s this guy Charlemagne was goin’ completely fuckin’ nuts, n’ I mean completely fuckin’ nuts, ‘cause this guy, he was pickin’ fights everywhere yah fuckin’ looked. Pahks, gahdens, fahms, pubs, castles, fuckin’ monastehries—yah name it: he was there n’ he was fuckin’ fightin’, n’ what’s mohr is he was fuckin’ winnin’ too like yah wouldn’t even believe, n’ so on accoun’ah all that winnin’ he was able tah staht gettin’ all the Franks from ‘round the diffahrent neighbahhoods tahgethah in ohrdah staht makin’ ‘em all submit tah his own highah fuckin’ authahrity. N’ then tah celebrate these victahries’ah his, aftahwahds he’d go n’ he’d take all the Franks’ land so that ovah the years he ended up accumulatin’ the biggest goddamned pehrsonal fohrtune in real estate that anyone’d evah even fuckin’ seen. N’ so this Charlemagne guy, he’s a smaht guy right, so next thing he does is he goes n’ he takes that fohrtune’ah his n’ he stahts investin’ it so as tah make even mohr money, n’ yah know, some people even say he gets intah bootleggin’ too ‘round this time, but eithah way, it don’t really fuckin’ mattah, ‘cause back in those days, yah didn’t build up that kindah huge fuckin’ financial empi’ah without alsah gettin’ yahself crowned Holy Roman Emperah. N’ so that’s exactly what this guy fuckin’ does—he actually goes n’ he gets himself fuckin’ crowned by the goddamned Pope himself n’ he ends up bein’ emperah fah awhile, which yah know was all fine n’ shit, till he finally fuckin’ went n’ died in 814.
Now, turns out that all’ah this guy’s sons had eithah already been killed in action ah fuckin’ assassinated ‘emselves except fah this one guy who just so happened tah be a real pious prick full’ah his own charactah flaws n’ misgivins ‘bout some sohrt’ah misdeed from back in his youngah days. N’ so this guy, since he’s the only son left, he ends up bein’ the one that gets stuck with tryin’ tah carry on his dead fathah’s legacy, n’ so yah know how this sohrt’ah thing nohrmally goes—some people suppohrted him n’ some didn’t, but none’ah that really mattahed anyway ‘cause he hung in there fah fuckin’ like fahevah till finally he went n’ he died himself, right there in his bed in 840 on accoun’ah some sohrt’ah fuckin’ brain tumah ah something in his head.
So natuhrally, everyone’s talkin’ ‘bout this n’ people ahr reminiscin’ all ovah the fuckin’ place, sayin’ how the kingdom’ll nevah be like, I duhnno, fuckin’ magical again ah whatevah, n’ so lots of ‘em ahr goin’ tah see his casket ovah at his dead brothah’s memahrial library down on the watahfront, n’ no one’s even thinkin’ that there’s gonnah be any sohrt’ah upheaval ah big suhprise ah anything when it comes tah gettin’ someone tah replace him, ‘cause yah know, everyone’s just sittin’ there, thinkin’ it’ll just be some sohrt’ah easy shoe-in fah whoevah but thing is, it fuckin’ wasn’t. ‘Cause what happens is one day yah got all these people mournin’ this fuckin’ dead guy n’ then the next day they’re all scratchin’ their heads, goin’, “Hey, what the fuck just happened? Yah fuckin’ shittin’ me? Fuckin’, yah know, guess I saw that one comin’ ‘bout as good as a goddamned blind librarian swingin’ at one’ah Pedro’s mothahfuckin’ fastballs.”
N’ so yah see what happened was that this pious guy, he’d had these three kids who all grew up tah be real fuckin’ knuckleheads who all basically hated each othah n’ then tah make mattahs even wohrse, befohr their fathah passed on, he’d kept changin’ his mind on ‘em as tah who got tah inherit what n’ so since none’eh ‘em really knew how fuckin’ serious they oughttah even take his dyin’ wishes, they basically all just disregahded ‘em entiyahly, n’ so that got ‘em tah all staht actin’ like a bunchah fuckin’ 5 year olds squabblin’ ovah who gets tah be quartahback n’ befohr yah know it they’re throwin’ punches instead’ah footballs n’ pretty soon yah got a fuckin’ war on yah hands. So all the guys up in Denmahk ahr seein’ this n’ they’re goin’, “Hey, look at these fuckin’ retahds fightin’ with each othah. Can yah believe this shit? Hell, this is just too fuckin’ pathetic, but yah know, what a golden fuckin’ oppuhrtunity it is fah us. Let’s go n’ staht stealin’ from ‘em n’ buhrnin’ down their villages while they’re not lookin’.”
So these Danish guys they go n’ they all staht sailin’ up n’ down the coasts’ah the three Frankish Kingdoms—’cause Frankie’s been split intah three territahries now on accoun’ah those brothahs’ ongoin’ disagreement—n’ so these Danes, they’re havin’ a great fuckin’ time attackin’ people wherevah they feel like, whenevah they feel like till in 845 this guy Ragnah Hairy Breeches gets tah thinkin’ it’d be a real fuckin’ pissah idea tah take 120 ships up the Seine Rivah in ohrdah tah sack Paris. So these guys, they go n’ they row up the rivah n’ they kill 111 Frankish guys along the way just fah kicks n’ then when they finally get tah Paris on Eastah Sunday’ah that same year, they all just jump outtah their boats n’ staht runnin’ down the Champs-Élysées like a bunchah goddamned insane fuckin’ riotahs durin’ a fuckin’ police strike. So they’re throwin’ rocks n’ they’re smashin’ windows n’ they’re takin’ whatevah they feel like outtah the shops, n’ some’ah ‘em ahr carryin’ off the women n’ othahs ahr gettin’ intah fistfights with each othah just fah the hell’ah it n’ it’s basically just complete fuckin’ anahrchy fah a few days till finally this guy Chahles the Bald shows up with the state guahd tah deal with ‘em n’ tah try tah restore ohrdah.
Now, the thing ‘bout Baldie here is he’s one’ah these three brothahs who’s been fightin’ tah be in chahge’ah all’ah Frankie n’ so he’s basically like the govuhnah there in that paht’ah Frankie. So he goes up tah these Danish guys n’ he tells ‘em, "Alright, listen up yah fuckin’ assholes. Yah’re a fuckin’ pain in the ass, but I don’t got the time tah deal with yah since I got my jackass brothahs breathin’ down my neck like a couple’ah sick fuckin’ priests straight outtah Cahdinal Law’s ahrchdiahcese, so how ‘bout this. How ’bout I give yah 7000 pounds’ah silvah just tah get the hell outtah here. How’s that sound tah yah?"
So Ragnah n’ his buddies, they hear this n’ they’re like, “Holy shit, yah fuckin’ serious? Yah gonnah give us all that silvah n’ all we gottah do is just go home? Fuck man, yah got yahself a fuckin’ deal.” N’ so this deal ends up bein’ the first time that Danegeld evah gets paid out, Danegeld bein’ what yah call it when yah pay a bunchah unruly Scandinavian troublemakahs just tah just go home n’ leave yah alone fah awhile.
N’ so these pahticulah guys, they take their Danegeld n’ they go home, but what’ah yah think they fuckin’ do when they get there? A’couhrse, they go n’ they tell all their buddies back there in Denmahk ‘bout how the guys down in Frankie give up pretty easy without a fight, which yah know, maybe that ain’t news tah us these days, but back in those days that was the kind’ah news that just kindah made yah jump up right outtah yah seat n’ completely fahget ‘bout the Celtics blowin’ game 7’ah the finals against those retahded fuckin’ Lakahs. N’ so just as yah’d figure, all these Danish guys who’d stayed at home n’ ahr now hearin’ this, they all staht fillin’ up their own fuckin’ boats the next mohrnin’ so that they can all sail tah down tah Frankie ‘emselves tah see if they can’t alsah get paid just tah go back home.