So it’s fuckin’ like 986 ah so n’ there’s all these guys livin’ up in Greenland n’ they’re keepin’ ‘emselves busy doin’ their fahmin’ n’ their fishin’ n’ their occasional sacrificin’ah their livestock up tah their heathen gods ah whatevah the fuck it is that Nahsemen liked tah do back in those days, when this guy Bjarni Herjolfsson shows up all’ah a sudden at his dad’s new house ovah in the Eastahn Settlement. So soon as his dad opens the doohr Bjarni’s just completely fuckin’ like, “What the fuck, dad? I sail all the way from fuckin’ Nahway to share my precious fuckin’ cahrgah with yah n’ come tah find out that yah’d sold the fahm back in Iceland n’ moved way the fuck out here without even tryin’ tah let me know? By the time I’d figyuhed out what’d even happened, the summah was already half ovah n’ this big mothahfuckin’ stohrm came along n’ nearly sank my boat like I was sailin’ the Andrea Gale ‘cross the goddamn Grand fuckin’ Banks just tryin’ tah get here.”
So Bjarni’s dad’s pretty fuckin’ confused himself since he’s sayin’ he wrote a letter tah Bjarni ‘bout it all n’ best they can figyuh’s that the post office basically just fucked the whole thing up but then they get tah talkin’ n’ Bjarni’s tellin’ him n’ the othah folks who’ve been gathah’en ‘round the fire all evenin’ ‘bout how he’d actually got his poohr ass blown all the way tah fuckin’ Canada ah some place befohr he was even able to fix the situation n’ fuckin’ tuhrn himself around. N’ yah know he didn’t land his boat ah anything, but he saw there was lots’ah—n’ I mean fuckin’ lots’ah—trees that were growin’ all ovah the place n’ this is gettin’ people’s attention ‘cause Greenland’s basically got like no wood whatsoevah. So the next thing that happens is wohrd’ah Bjarni’s story stahts tah spread like a fuckin’ wildfire ‘cause if there’s one thing Nahse guys like is it’s new places tah try and take ovah n’ if they can alsah just so happen tah get some valuable timbah outtah the deal too then so much the bettah. So finally wohrd’ah this spreads all the way up tah Brattahlid where this guy Leif Eriksson just happens tah be livin’ n’ this guy Leif he’s Erik the Red’s kid n’ if yah recall, Erik’s the guy who’d gone n’ found Greenland in the fuckin’ first place. So Leif’s sittin’ there n’ he’s hearin’ ‘bout this fah off land bein’ full’ah timbah n’ a lightbulb goes off in his head like it’s the fuckin’ firewohrks followin’ the Pops concert on the 4th n’ so he goes n’ he gets his on his horse n’ he rides his ass all night long ‘round the bay ovah tah Bjarni’s dad’s place there in Eastie.
Now Bjarni hears this crazy son’a’bitch bangin’ on his doohr in the middle’ah the fuckin’ night n’ so he goes n’ sees its Erik’s kid n’ so he lets him on in ‘cause in Greenland in those days Erik not only pretty much controlled the place but he was alsah a wicked good fightah n’ if yah pissed him off he’d come hunt yah ass down n’ fuckin’ clock yah with a hook that’d even make Mickey Wahrd jealous. So now yah got these two guys n’ they get tah talkin’ n Leif’s askin’ Bjarni all these questions ‘bout this new land till finally he’s just like, “Fuckin’ yah know what? Can I just buy yah boat from yah? I think I’m gonnah sail there n’ check this place out fah myself. If it’s got as much timbah as yah say it does then that might be a potential fuckin’ fohrtune right there seein’ as Greenie here is givin’ us less wood ‘en a picture’ah Rosie O’Donnell dressed in spandex, n’ not only that, but it might be nice tah get away from all the fuckin’ people fah a change too, yah know, go somewhere where it’s less crowded n’ there ain’t no fuckin’ sales tax and the packies ahr fuckin’ big as red bahns n’ they’re right there on the side’ah the goddamn freeway fah easy access.”
So Bjarni sells him his boat n’ pretty soon Leif’s got himself a crew tahgethah n’ they sail on towahds the west n’ at first they just pass some pretty shitty places that Leif decides tah call Helluland n’ Markland but then they get to some nicah paht’ah Canada, like probably Newfoundland ah Nova Scotia ah some place n’ Leif decides tah call that area Vinland ‘cause he sees some grapes growin’ on the ground n’ the first thing that comes tah his mind when he sees ‘em is wine ’cause he n’ all these othah old Nahse guys ahr basically a bunchah fuckin’ alcaholics.
Now thing is, not much really even fuckin’ happened aftah that. Leif n’ his guys got off their boat n’ so they were the first Europeans tah step foot on Nohrth American soil n’ they stayed fah the wintah at some place called L’Anse aux Meadows in Newfoundland but then next summah they just went back home n’ Leif himself didn’t even evah come back again ‘cause tuhrns out his dad Erik had died durin’ the wintah so he ended up inheritin’ the family business which seemed tah him tah be a bettah deal n’ tryin’ tah get intah the fahreign lumbah industry. Now, his brothah Thorvald n’ his brothah-in-law Thorfinn, n’ fuckin’ even his sistah Freydis all ended up makin’ trips out there ‘emselves at diffahrent points’ah time but those visits all ended up bein’ a bunch’ah fuckin’ disastahs. I mean, poor fuckin’ Thorvald there even got shot in the fuckin’ head with a fuckin’ arrow fah his troubles. N’ I mean, that’s the thing ‘bout makin’ trips tah a place like that, yah know it’s nice to get outtah it all fah awhile n’ maybe yah ventuh intah the woods tah enjoy the scenahry ah buy some cheap booze ah tax-free jewelry ah whatevah but the natives they just ahren’t very fuckin’ welcomin’ tah visitahs n’ so what yah end up with is the Greenlandahs eventually stopped bothahin’ goin’ there all tahgethah.
But thing is people all ovah the wohrld still remembah Leif fah bein’ the first guy who was fuckin’ like, “Yah know what, this guy Bjarni says there’s some land out there n’ I believe him, so we’re gonnah fuckin’ get in a boat n’ we’re gonnah fuckin’ sail tah this place n’ we’re gonnah fuckin’ walk ‘round on it fah awhile n’ we’re gonnah fuckin’ collect some timbah n’ then we’re gonnah fuckin’ get ourselves chased off by some natives who we just so happened tah antagonize since we’re a bunchah Vikings n’ that’s basically the kindah thing that we do when we’re not busy fishin’ ah milkin’ our goats.” N’ so now that’s why today yah can be walkin’ down Comm Av towahds Kenmohr n’ yah go past this crazy ass statue’ah Leif lookin’ like a Roman fairy ah somethin’ ah why if fah some reason yah happen tah be walkin’ along Memahrial Drive ovah in Cambridge in front’ah Mt. Aubuhn Hospital yah’ll see this plaque on the ground probably with some littah on top’ah it n’ it’s been dedicated tah Leif fah settin’ up his camp at the mouth’ah the Chahles. N’ sure, the plaque’s totally fuckin’ wrong n’ all, but that’s not the point ‘cause the point is that whenevah someone actually notices shit like the statue ah the plaque then those things help ’em tah remembah that Leif came tah this continent 1000 years ago n’ he hung out here fah awhile n’ then he went back home.