• Negotiated acquisition and consumption of Cocoa Krispies surfeit.
• Broadened personal knowledge of internet memes.
• Led efforts to reduce nails to the quick; achieved permanently disfigured fingers.
• Compiled a database of daytime television hosts’ favorite filler words.
• Contributed 40% of friends’ inbox spam.
• Performed hourly appraisals of Craigslist postings and applied risk-benefit analysis.
• Spearheaded a campaign to generate new bathtub rings.
• Developed and implemented a strategy to hide employment status from potential dates.
• Executed seven feats of long-format voyeurism.