Congratulations on conquering your first workout at Our Gym. You’ve taken an important step toward complete body transformation and, therefore, becoming your best self — a self that looks an awful lot like a wax rendering of one of the Vikings from the History Channel television series, Vikings.

Our members all have one thing in common: They’re here to transform their bodies. And, while complete body transformation takes time, you’ll start to see results almost immediately after your first visit. Trust us: After five visits to Our Gym, you’ll stand a little taller. After 10 visits to Our Gym, you’ll be able to hoist anchor and row west across the briny seas. And after 20 visits to Our Gym, you’ll be living in an entirely different body — the body of a wax figure that closely resembles Ragnar Lothbrok, the protagonist in the incredibly popular History Channel television series, Vikings.

“Maybe I don’t want to transform my body,” you might say. “Maybe my body is fine just as it is!” Let’s be clear: Your body is not fine as it is. Your body is weak, fleshy, and wholly unable to plunder a Scandinavian village with brutal efficiency.

Also, we’re contractually obligated to deliver 16 wax figures to the set of the remarkable History Channel television series, Vikings by March if we want to avoid a devastating legal battle. It’s all because our marketing assistant, Bober, ripped a couple of photos from Season 2 and put them on our blog. I won’t bore you with the details, but the History Channel was essentially like, “Guys, we’re going to annihilate you in court unless you can come up with 16 historically accurate wax figures for our studio exhibit by March.” So as you can see, we’re kind of in a bind.

One way or another, your body is getting transformed.

We won’t lie: Complete body transformation takes commitment. It takes drive. It also takes at least two visits to our Scorchin’ Room. We’re honestly not super sure what goes down in there, but we can assure you that you’ll exit with wax where your skin once was. Then, we’ll pop you into Bober’s Fiat and you’ll be on your way to History Channel studios, where you’ll live out your days in the onsite wax museum, an everlasting tribute to the cherished History Channel television series, Vikings now set for a sequel called Valhalla. We can’t wait for that sequel. We love the show and everyone involved in its production, especially the legal team.

We can’t wait for you to experience the benefits of complete body transformation. We can transform your shoulders. We can transform your thighs. We’ll also transform your aesthetic. As in, we’ll glue a huge clump of platinum blonde horsehair onto your chin to form a tight little beard, and your butt’ll be carved out to store an electrical cord. The electrical cord will plug directly into a stunning interactive light display, further immersing the visitor into everybody’s favorite History Channel television series, Vikings.

Don’t just take our word for it: Check out this photo of Meredith, who’s successfully transformed her body and her life since joining our fitness community. When Meredith first joined Our Gym, she could barely run a mile. Now, Meredith is immobilized inside a wax shell, and we have to funnel bone-dry chicken breast slivers into her mouth three times a week so she doesn’t expire. Go, Meredith!

So, what are you waiting for? Are you ready to put in the work? Are you ready to leave your gross, useless body behind? Are you ready to be torn from your loved ones and dunked in a tub of hot, stinking wax, only emerging once we’ve been able to muffle your cries of “Mercy, mercy!”

Once again, thanks for joining Our Gym. Let the transformation begin!