Overture in G minor. Curtain rises on:
ACT I: DINNERTIME
MOM: I’m making dinner and the house smells like death! Who is going to clean the rabbit’s cage?
PAM: I am a teenager so I’m not listening to you.
DAD: Don’t look at me! I am playing my naval warfare online video game and my teammates who I can’t see are all at their computers ignoring their families too, and if I leave to do household chores they will know I am a pussy.
CHORUS: A pussy! A pussy! Dad’s invisible teammates will know he is a pussy!
RABBIT: I am literally sleeping in my own urine and feces.
MOM: Well, I’m chopping an onion and tears are streaming down my face. Between the onion and the dirty rabbit cage, I can barely breathe!
PAM: I have my headphones in so I don’t have to hear the oppressive requests made by anyone in this house.
RABBIT: If I had an opposable thumb, perhaps I could do it myself, but that is not going to happen in this epoch. I can’t even speak English.
MOM: Please! Someone! The cage has not been cleaned in over a week and the smell is making me want to throw up. I haven’t had sex in seven months!
CHORUS: No sex in seven months! Seven long dry months!
DAD: Great. Just great. Because of all your shouting, I got caught in a dynamic weather system and some guy sunk my destroyer. Now I’ve lost the Battle of Dunkirk and died in the Second World War and all the other guys on my team think I’m a douchebag.
RABBIT: My fur is dull and matted. I think a flesh-eating bacteria is trying to kill me.
PAM: I am vaping cannabis so I don’t have to be part of my family’s reality.
MOM: I’m up to my elbows in raw hamburger meat, people! Seriously, I’m just trying to get dinner on the table at a decent hour so we don’t go to sleep with stomachaches.
RABBIT: My left leg just fell off.
PAM: My life sucks so hard I would kill myself if I weren’t high and watching make-up tutorials on YouTube.
DAD: I’m playing my other destroyer, the Kamikaze-R797 and I just blasted the crap out of a Fletcher-X866. I’m like a god. I am God.
RABBIT: Nice knowing you, I’m dead.
ACT 2: MODERATO CANTABILE: HOMEWORK.
MOM: I am paying $300 an hour for your tutor. Did you do your homework?
PAM: Stop nagging me.
DAD: Can you guys keep it down? I’m trying to nap.
CHORUS: He’s trying to nap! Shut up, Dad is trying to nap!
MOM (whispering): If you want to get into college, you need to get your grades up.
PAM (whispering back): College is just an elitist filtering mechanism that furthers division and injustice, and now humanity is teetering on the brink of total decimation. Please leave me alone so I can watch my makeup tutorial.
DAD: This is what you call keeping it down? Come on. I’ve been in meetings all day!
MOM: I didn’t invent society. I didn’t vote for ninety percent of the people running this country. I’m just trying to help you so you don’t end up homeless.
PAM: I’m going to be an Instagram Influencer so don’t worry about it. I’ll be making fifty times the money you make in less than a year for about one-sixtieth of the work.
MOM: I just think you need to keep your options open. Allison Fuzzenbaum’s daughter got into Yale on a scholarship because she had a 5.0 GPA and volunteered to teach Taekwondo to senior citizens.
PAM: Allison Fuzzenbaum’s daughter sleeps with anyone who gives her weed.
CHORUS: Brad Fenster gives her weed! Mark Hernandez gives her weed! The whole soccer team gives her weed!
MOM: If you do your homework, I will take you to Sephora this weekend and let you buy overpriced foundation.
PAM: And blush?
MOM: Um, okay.
ACT 3: ALLEGRO MA NON TROPPO, TGIF.
MOM: I am tired from trying to earn the money to fund my approaching decay. I need a drink.
PAM: Can I borrow the car?
MOM: If I won the lottery tomorrow I would run away to France.
DAD (calling from bathroom): Who used the last of the toilet paper and didn’t put on a new roll?
PAM: So, is that a yes?
DAD: I’m in the bathroom! Can someone get me some toilet paper?
(The doorbell rings.)
MOM (drinking as she opens the door): Hello?
GHOST: Hello. I am the ghost of your ancestral past and I have been watching you from the afterlife.
MOM: Are you Aunt Ginger’s half-sister?
DAD: Hello! I need toilet paper over here!
GHOST (gesturing toward bathroom): Is he okay?
MOM: His need of toilet paper is insatiable. Do you know he goes through a roll a day? Sometimes two!
PAM: I found your keys. Did you remember to get gas?
MOM (knocking back drink): My doctor said women are only allowed one drink per day but I am going to have another.
DAD (hollering): Do you want a man with a dirty butt?
PAM: Me and Sarai and Zena are going to a movie. I’ll be home later.
MOM: Do I know these girls?
PAM: They aren’t girls, Mom. They’re gender nonbinary.
DAD: I pay $25,000 a year in property taxes! I think that entitles me to one roll of toilet paper!
MOM: I don’t understand nonbinary. They don’t identify with both genders, or they do?
GHOST: May I come in?
DAD: Fine. I’ll get it myself!
CHORUS: He will get it himself! Dad will get the toilet paper himself!
(Ghost grows ten times larger and makes thunder and lightning in the living room. A rabbit wearing a halo and wings descends.)
MOM/PAM/DAD/CHORUS: WHAT THE —?
GHOST (reclining, feet on couch): Nice place you got here.
MOM: Never mind that second drink.
DAD: Why am I so angry?
PAM (hugs parents): I love you guys.