We’re perplexed. Yes, we built our giant casino in a city with the second highest poverty rate in the state, where the average income is $20,046 and 29% of the population lives below the poverty line. But we still can’t figure out why we’re not meeting our gross gaming revenue projection of 412 katrillion dollars in the first year of operation.

We’re just baffled. Why aren’t all the high rollers in the city driving two hours west across the state to play the slots in Springfield? Okay, so they could go to Plainridge Park (average income of Plainville residents: $40,000), which is ALOT closer but, I mean, COME ON! Our casino is going to have a Wahlburgers! Mark said so. He even came out here. It’s going to open later this year. Or sometime next. Or never. 10 bucks for a Black Angus Beef Burger on an Artisanal Hearth Baked Bun! The average Springfield resident could feed a family of 4 for only 50 bucks (no beverages). That’s just 15% of their weekly income for one meal. And if someone in that family works in the casino, well, maybe they’ll get a discount. Everyone wins!

We’re completely mystified. Although Springfield has seen a huge spike in overdose deaths from opioids — it’s doubled since 2017 — those folks aren’t spending time at the tables or buying tickets to see Carrot Top. They’re busy OD-ing on the streets of downtown, OUTSIDE of our sparkling new 14-acre gaming and entertainment complex, far from the view of our potential big spenders. Why, the high rollers can zip off the interstate, drive into our parking facility and never even see a single addict! Plus, we gave a bunch of money to the police department as part of our licensing deal, so stock up on the Narcan already, coppers.

We. Are. Flummoxed. We even built a huge outdoor Garden Courtyard Plaza, a dining and entertainment district for eating, drinking and watching acts like Criss Angel or Terry Fator. High rollers love the power of illusion! We suspect it might have something to do with the weather — turns out people around here don’t want to watch concerts or eat outside during a snowstorm. Or anytime the temperature dips below 50 degrees. Which, we recently discovered, happens most days from mid-October through late May. Who knew?

But no worries. It’s only our first year. We’re working out the kinks, creating incentives, squashing plans for tribal-owned casinos in a neighboring state, laying off 10% of the workforce and maybe even building a high-speed monorail to the city where, it turns out, all the high rollers are… so, problem solved!