One morning, after years of slogging through 60 hour work weeks, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and realized that I didn’t like what I saw. I was burnt out, alone, and unhealthy. I needed a lifestyle change. So I quit my cushy marketing job, packed my bags, traveled to the middle of the desert, and sandwiched myself between this enormous boulder and the ground.

Now, my life is great! Like, really, really great. I feel refreshed, I’m healthier than ever, and my social life is thriving. Everything is phenomenal, and it’s all because I’m pinned under this enormous boulder!

Ironically enough, I felt way more like Sisyphus when I was pushing papers in a cubicle than I do now that I’ve rolled this massive rock on top of my torso. See, back when I was a workaholic I hardly ever slept, I was constantly trying to meet deadlines and hit quotas. It was awful. Now, I don’t have any responsibilities. Literally, the only thing weighing on me is this boulder. It’s fantastic. No more living to work for me, now I’m working just to stay alive!

Now that I’m stranded in the middle of the desert, I feel better mentally and physically. It’s like a spa out here! The hours upon hours of direct sunlight I get every day have added a nice glow to my skin, and the sand acts as a natural exfoliant, which allows all the dead layers to slough right off — so smooth! Also, my urine and sand diet is doing wonders for my figure; it’s WAY cheaper than any trendy paleo, ketogenic diet, or hip juice craze. Not to brag, but I look like a freakin’ movie star! That is, if a movie star has been pinned under an enormous boulder for a couple of weeks.

An added bonus of this new lifestyle is how quiet life is now; I can finally unplug and clear my head. I haven’t been on social media in a while and It feels fantastic, almost like I’m better than you, which at this point, I probably am. Instead of scrolling through my social feed, I spend most of my time watching a group of vultures feed off the remains of a lost hiker. Now, that’s good content! Out here, I’m living in the moment, ya know? I can really smell the roses… and the rancid stink of gangrene coming from my now completely paralyzed legs.

But don’t just take my word for it! You can feel this great too. Escape the hustle and bustle of modernity and join me under this boulder, or you can spend the rest of your days withering away in the humdrum of everyday life. I know, I know, it seems like a tough decision, almost like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, but trust me, that’s a good thing!